13 Reasons Why

Chapter 17

(Katie) Brennan leaves the room, and I reach over to my nightstand and grab my phone. Mia texted me. "Wanna sleepover tonight for your bday?" For some reason something that should have just been a sleepover invite morphs and takes the appearance of something worse. It makes my chest burn with what I think is anger. She's ready to have sleepovers and hang out, and move on with her life. And Annie died only eight days ago. Mia was crying in my room yesterday telling me she was suicidal, and tonight she wants to hang out? It seems like Mia was moving on with her life, even though I know she really loved Annie... a lot. Maybe not as much as me, but she always wanted her around, or wanted to be her gym partner. This thing is... you can love somebody a lot. A whole lot. But you can never love somebody as much as you can miss them. I glance back at my phone. I swipe and clear the message, attempting to pretend it doesn't exist, nor did it ever. I'd much rather prefer to live in my own bubble in which everybody, including Mia was still mourning Annie. And then it hit me... suicide doesn't end any sort of pain. It just passes it on to other people. Brennan might have been right, about this vicious cycle. I'm just not too sure I want to be the abnormality in the cycle. It is this cascading dominoes affect. And I want to dramatically tumble to the ground with the rest of the dominoes. We all are going to fall down. Every single interconnected being with Annie Leblanc. And some of us are going to fall with grace, and be able to cope and continue on. But that's only some of us. There will undeniably be others who fall with knives and pills and slitting wrists and killing our selves. Falling into the grave instead of falling asleep at night. I'm extremely conscious and aware of the fact I'm stuck in the middle of the two. But I have to eventually lean too far one way, resulting in a parallel fall to my descriptions. And although I'm not entirely sure which way I'll be wishing I fall, I think I'm leaning heavily towards suicide. I think tonight at Mia's I'll do something that it's too hard to do when I'm in my own home. And I think tonight I may even fall.