13 Reasons Why

Chapter 34

TAPE THIRTEEN PT. 1
"Welcome to the final tape, you've made it. Now you all know exactly why I took my life, but you don't know how. So this tape will be more of an explanation, and be warned: it isn't pretty, nor for the faint of heart. So if you want, leave now. Now, let's start with Sunday morning. I hadn't slept all night, I couldn't sleep with a war on my mind. Should I stay, or should I go? I knew it was time to go. I could finally see the gleaming light at the end of the tunnel, and that light was suicide. I ventured from my room at 6:30 am, and everybody else was still asleep. I knew I had to act now, or never. I went into the kitchen and straight to the drawer next to the sink. The knives. I told you this wasn't going to be pretty. I was hurting so bad, that it got to the point when pain was the only way to relieve pain. I know what you're thinking: she's going to cut. Wrong, I wasn't here to fool around with death, I wanted to embrace it full on. I snuck back to my bedroom and shoved the knife under my mattress. Then I went back downstairs, to see my mom in the kitchen making breakfast. "Hey, Annie." She called when she saw me coming down the steps, "you're up early." I nodded and forced a smile on my face. The same feeling I felt at gym on Friday washed over me, this was goodbye. Ever since Caleb, I liked to have the satisfaction in choosing when my goodbyes would be. And I was choosing now, solving all the problems. Saying goodbye is the most painful way to solve my problems, but yet it's still the best solution I've got. I glanced at my mother's I expecting face, she had no idea what was coming tonight. And then my heart flew back about two years ago to October 1st. It started like any other day, and my mom and that same expression of pure innocence and unexpected eyes. She wasn't ready for this, and she surely didn't deserve what was coming to her, but I didn't deserve to stay here. I couldn't stay here. My mom survived this once, she could do it again. But, me? I never survived Caleb's death, I went through it, I didn't get through it. My mom got through it. Not over it, through it. There's a difference.
And I knew that this difference would be clearly displayed after tonight. "Want some pancakes?" I forced that smile again. "Yeah, sounds great." I even thought I sounded like a fraud, could my mom tell I was lying? I bit my lip as I waited for her to look me up and down and ask what was the matter. I wanted her to so badly, I needed somebody to look me in the eyes and hug me and say "I know you're not okay". But nobody did. My mom served me up some pancakes and told me to get some juice from the fridge. After I ate, Hayley stumbled down the stairs still half asleep. "Mornin'," Paige exclaimed coming down after her. She looked me in the eye with the same look of desperation she had since I overheard her phone conversation. I hadn't told anybody, they wouldn't believe me. Whatever. Her secret would die with me. Hayley and I were watching tv later that day, and one of those commercials came on. You know, the ones you usually ignore. The suicide hotline promotion ones. Hayley was playing with Frisbee and barely paying attention. But my eyes were glued to the number plastered on the screen. I sang the digits in my head until I had memorized it. I made a song of it... just in case. The day dragged on, and my dad was dusting and he knocked over the picture of Caleb on our mantel place. My mom's eyes flicked up from her laptop to see his face lying on the hardwood floor. My dad scurried and picked it up really quickly, trying not to upset my mom or me. Inside, I was already so broken and depressed, it didn't even really make a difference. Normally it would, but here's the thing about depression: you don't control your thoughts, they control you. And they were telling me I was already too broken to break anymore. My mom on the other hand, she could break plenty more. And she did.
"Billy!" She hissed. He looked at the floor, his back to my mom and I. "Sorry, Katie." He whispered. My mom's eyes got all watery, and she stood up and walked upstairs without another word. My dad glanced at me. I sighed and looked out the window. This was goodbye to him, too. I thought about all the memories I was leaving behind, and how I would soon fade to nothing more than just a memory that makes your eyes water the first coupe times you revisit it, then you move on. Then you forget until somebody reminds you. That's what happens when you get through stuff. Not when you go through stuff. Those small letters make a world of difference. I'm pretty sure nobody's going to go through my death, they're going to get through it. I think about how all my simple 'hellos' were ending in such a complicated 'goodbye'. I remember saying "bye" millions of times in my life, and it was so simple. But goodbyes don't hurt until you're never going to say hello again. And this was most definitely the final goodbye.
I spent my day looking through all my camera roll, pictures and memories flashing before my eyes, and willing myself not to break down in tears. That would call attention, that would make people ask what was wrong. I could have cried. But I held it in. Then came ten o'clock at night. Everybody began to head up to bed. "Come on, Annie, time for sleep." My dad told me. I shut off my phone and looked up at his face. I was going to hurt him so much. I nodded and did something I hadn't done in quite some time. I jumped up and hugged him tight. At first, he was taken aback, but he hugged me back. "I love you, daddy." I whispered. He squeezed me, "I love you too, Annie." He set me down and went to go get Hayley. That was it...? That was goodbye?! I turn and wait for you to return my gaze. But your backs was facing me, and Hayley and Paige had all your attention, dad. I reminded myself it was okay to let go now. I trudged up the stairs and into my room. Hayley and Mommy. I needed to say goodbye to them two. I left my room and went to my moms. This was so hard.
My heart was screaming for me to stay, but my mind begging me to leave. I knocked on her door and went in, not waiting for her reply. "I just came to say goodnight," I mumbled, hoping she heard me, because I wasn't sure I could say it again without sobbing. "Okay, goodnight. I love you." My mom called from her bed, half asleep. That wasn't good enough for me. I went over to your bedside and kissed your forehead. "I love you too, mommy." "See you tomorrow, Annie." She smiled up at me. That hurt. That made something inside me snap. I guess I could break a little more. I knew I was lying as I whispered, "see you tomorrow." I turned around and tears instantly started streaming down my face. There wasn't a tomorrow, this was it. I saw Hayley was already in her room so made my way over towards hers. "Hey," I said, wiping my eyes as I entered her room. "Are you crying?" She raised her eyebrows. I shook my head, "No, allergies," I lied. She nodded, and stood there waiting for me to say something. "Um, goodnight, Hayley." I nodded in her direction. "Goodnight," she shrugged and turned around to hop into bed. "Can I have a hug?" I blurted out. Hay slowly turned around and nodded, with a perplexed expression she embraced me one last time. "I love you." I whispered into her hair.
She glanced up at me, clearly confused. That's how sucky of a person I was. My sister was confused when I told her I loved her. "Love you too." She hopped into bed. She was going to hurt so much, I knew it. But I still left her room and went back to mine. On the way there I peeked into Paige's room. She was laying on her bed, scrolling on her phone. "Bye,"
I whispered so lightly she didn't even hear me. I know I hated her, but I had still loved her for longer than I hated her. So that had to mean something, I couldn't just leave without saying goodbye. I entered my room again and slammed the door behind me. I sunk down slowly and cried, I was in so much pain. But it was all going to end soon. I ran over to my bed and grabbed the crumpled up piece of paper I had. Mackenzie Ziegler's address. I grabbed the cardboard box from under my desk and copied the address onto the brown surface. I sealed the shoebox that contained thirteen little tapes. Then I put it inside the labeled box and crept downstairs to put it on the front porch. Stupid, I reminded myself, they have to be shipped from the post office. I dashed back upstairs and checked every room. All asleep. That's when I threw on my slides. The post office was only a few minute walk from my house. I could make it."