Reality || BWS

34

I stared at myself in the mirror for what felt like forever. The black dress fell loosely over my tiny figure, I really should try and start eating properly again.

I wasn't prepared for today at all, I don't know what I'm suppose to say to people, how I'm suppose to act, how I'm suppose to feel.

The truth is I feel empty. Like my soul had been ripped out of me the moment my mum died.

It had only been two weeks, but it feels like I've been cooped up in this room for a year. I didn't want to face the outside world yet. I wasn't ready for the sympathetic looks or everybody telling me how sorry they were for me.

'Jo, are you ready to go?' Brad appeared at the bedroom door, smartly dressed in his black shirt and trousers.

'Yeah I guess' I replied, walking over to the bed and picking up my purse before walking over towards the doorway brad was still leaning on.

'You look lovely' brad smiled at me sympathetically, reaching for my hand as we walked down the stairs.

Brad was clearly lying because my face was pale and lifeless. The bags under my eyes were darker than ever as I haven't had a full night sleep since I've been back in Manchester.

As we reached the bottom of the stairs to the house that I grew up in with my mum, we were greeted by Sarah and Kirstie whom both looked at me with the same sympathetic look brad has been giving me for the past two weeks.

'It's so good to see you. We've been worried. I'm so sorry' Kristie pulled me into a tight hug to which I hugged her back even though I couldn't really feel anything.

It was like my brain has just switched off. I couldn't concentrate on anything for more than 20 seconds, I couldn't hold a conversation, it was like I was dead inside.

'Thank you both for coming' I spoke as Sarah pulled me into a hug.

'Don't be silly. Everybody else is going to meet us at the church. We didn't want to bombard you so we thought that was best' Kirstie rubbed my arm before guiding me towards the front door.

We all piled into the car, Brad driving, as we headed towards the day I've been dreading. I keep telling myself if I can just make it through today it will all be okay. But I know it won't.

It didn't take long for us to reach the church, the entire car ride was silent. I could tell everybody was walking on egg shells around me, scared they were going to say something that would upset me.

I didn't have much family left, so the majority of the people at the church were mums close friends, most I barely knew.

Brad kept a tight grip of my hand as we walked in, as if protecting me from the sympathy of everybody. If anybody knew me well enough to know I hated this environment, it was brad.

I hate being seen as the week, pathetic girl that's lost all of her family one by one. I hate that look people give you, the 'i can't imagine what you're going through look'.

They're right. They don't know.

During the ceremony, it was my obligation to gives speech, I mean, nobody else was left to do it.

As my time came, I slowly stood up , brad rubbing my arm gently as if to say good luck as I walked towards the front.

I looked up at the gathered crowd in-front of me for the first time before taking a deep breath. I had no idea what I was about to say. 

'My mum was a lot of things' I began.

'A happy soul, enthusiastic, caring. An amazing cook, an amazing mother. Well she was pretty much amazing at everything. But one thing she was shit at.. sorry' I looked up at the priest stood next to me who gently smiled. Well done Jo put your foot in your mouth.

'She was terrible at things like this. I guess that's where I'd get it from. We could all stand here and say how wonderful she was and how tragic this is, and it's true.' I sighed.

'But this is the last thing she'd want us to be doing. She'd much rather you stand and tell her most embarrassing stories, your favourite memories Of her' my eyes had already began to fill up. My voice breaking more and more.

'So..' I began again, wiping the tear that escaped my eye and displaying an unconvincing smile. 

'My favourite thing about my mum was her ability to love me unconditionally. And I really did give her a hard time. I came home with piercings, tattoos, smelling of things I probably shouldn't of. I skipped school, stayed out and didn't tell her where I was, but she never ever gave up. She knew that if she continued to believe in me even when I was at my worst, eventually I'd find my way and well, here I am.'

I took another deep breath,unable to make eye contact with anybody in the church with me.

'So it isn't right that she.. that we're stood her today.  But .. and I'm still trying to make sense of it all. But the one thing she wouldn't.. wouldn't want is tears' I continued to wipe mine away before looking up a final time.

'Thankyou all for coming.' I quickly finished before waking back to my seat as quickly as possible.

'You did good' brad wrapped his arm around me pulling me in 

I didn't respond. This was the most difficult thing I've ever had to do. My hole body ached, my chest felt as though it had been ripped out of my chest, my head felt like a tone of bricks had landed on it.

I really don't think I'm ever going to make it back from this.