What Concealed Inside

Because We Are

Captain's POV

I've been pissed off since this morning. Why? Because that boyfriend of mine not only didn't contact me since yesterday, today i got to see him on the spotlight with a girl. With a GAL!! saw it on the news about they're getting close and all. I know that it's his new project but he snaking his hands around her waist is too fucking much, didn't it? I got so mad that everything i did during class was wrong. Everyone is wrong.

"Captain, what's wrong with you today?" Ouidee, my friend, asked me. She pissed because i screw up on our meeting for our next project.

"Nothing." I replied her.

"Liar. Don't you think i observed you these days? You've changed a lot. You look more radiant and you were doing great in everything, but today is an exact opposite. What's wrong with you Capt?"

"Nothing." I walked away from her, trying to get some space for myself. I need to be alone, this feeling was eating me alive.

I don't know what's wrong with me, i shouldn't feel this way towards him. We're celebs, it's normal to put on a show for everyone to see. We call it fanservice, and fanservice can be so intimate sometimes, including kissing and all.

But what i feel inside is real, and i don't know how to put it in words. It's like a raging fire and anguish, lacing in between my nerves. I don't know what to do with this.

I keep on walking in the university corridors, trying to find solace from what i feel. But i couldn't find none, so i just sit on the bench alone, in the farthest wing of the faculty. Unknown to me, a lone tear falls to my cheek, and i wiped it quickly.

Then my phone's buzzing. At last he call me. Reluctantly, i answer it.

"Yes, P'."

He must have felt what i felt, because he asked me what's going on.

"What is it? are you angry with me? did i do something to upset you, Captain?"

My tears run down again. How to put this nasty feeling to words? I don't even know what this is. Why am i feeling like this?

"No....yes. I don't know." I cried. And he heard it. It was so embarrassing, i tried to suppress it but no success.

"Let's meet na ka?" He seems so worry over the phone. Truthfully i don't know how to answer him. This feeling is burdening me. Sadness, helplessness, uselessness, i never experienced it before. It was so complicated.

I agreed to meet him at his house, the only save place to hide from the media. And his parents are kind too, they always greet me warmly since we know each other years ago.

I drove my car after all the lectures are finished, it was past eight in the evening. When i arrived at his home, he still wasn't there and Khun Mae said that P'White wanted me to join family dinner.

"You're getting thinner son, eat a lot. Here, your favorite food, White asked me to cook for you. Come, eat."

I couldn't think straight this moment. The picture of P'White and that actress haunting me. In my head they're holding hands, they say words of love to each other just the way P' said to me in our series, he look at her the way he looked at me years ago, the way he looks at me when we made love. And everything is jumbled for me, not even the best food can take my sadness away.

"What is it, Captain? you don't look so well." Said Khun Mae, interrupting my thoughts.

I put down my spoon. Looking at her who was like a splitting image with her son making me feel more miserable.

"Nothing, Khun Mae, i'm alright. Just a little tired." I tried to smile.

"Then go to White's room to get some rest. That kid will be here sooner than you thought."