Refuge

Chapter 17

*Josh*

I held the cigarette to my lips as I stood by the ocean. Inhaling, exhaling and deep breathing.

I stood away from the water but allowed the sand to roam my black boots as I watched the waves crash so roughly yet so simply.

I've been working later, smoking stronger and drinking deeper but the thoughts won't stop.
I can't stop thinking about her.

What is she up to?
What does she want?

I was getting what I want, sleeping with her. But I wanted more, I want all of her.
Was she going to give me that?

A part of me wanted to let her go, a part of me wanted her like the need to breathe.

Just how far was I willing to go?

I tossed the cigarette by my feet and rubbed it into the sand as I made my way towards my car and back to my mansion.

Once I arrived at the mansion, I had a habit. A habit of standing by Ella's old room and just staring at the closed door. I could imagine her standing behind the door, inside the now empty room. Her eyes wide and round, her hair hanging off her shoulders as she twiddles her fingers in a white robe.

Maybe I was imagining too much, or maybe I was just wishing it was real.

What came to mind, to hurt her until I lost her?

I walked past her room but then stopped a few steps away. I took a deep breath and broke a somewhat promise I had made. I turned back around and entered the room.
The white bed sheets and completely empty room, is all I could see.
I guess.

My eyes would transition red bedsheets, bedheads covered in perfume, cupboards full of clothes and an open window with somewhat a shower head running.

Maybe I was wishing too hard for my soul or maybe I was reminiscing times I had wished I cherished.

I ran my fingers along the white bedsheets, making my way around to the pillows and squeezing them rather gently.

Within a click of a finger, the pillows were across the room and the bed all over the place.

"Josh!" Lana walked in.

I turned to face her, panting as the messy bed positioned behind me.

She shook her head.

Deep down, I knew that somewhere inside of her could see through me and that my shield had now grown weak.

I didn't know what I felt, but I wasn't okay. I was far from okay and I had been gulping lumps in my throat for the last...year.

How far...just how far was I willing to go for someone who know can be seen in my nightmares?

I shook my head at Lana, she took a few steps towards me but I took a step back.
She stopped and gulped.

I didn't know whether I wanted to get physical and just let all this consumed anger out, or if I just wanted to hear three simple words.
"You'll be okay"

I walked past Lana and left the mansion, finding myself by Ella's penthouse.

I buzzed myself in and watched as she walked back over towards the couch after letting me in.

It was almost like she no longer cares how I came or what I did.

"Tell me Ella" I walked towards the lounge room and taking a seat.