Guys, I'm Gay

Chapter Two

"Please don't go"

I silently whisper to myself and hug a pillow tightly. 'don't text her, she doesn't care about you' I cry harder. Quit being a part of my life. Quit driving me insane. Quit making me feel as if I'm dying even when you're not here.

Someone tell me why I feel this way. You were the only one to love me. You made me feel special and you made me feel beautiful. Nobody has made me feel the way you did. Now I'm here wasting my time and wishing for a better life. Without you I am nothing and even though our relationship was toxic I want it back. You're addicting like a drug and I'm having withdrawals.

I lay here and try to pick myself off the ground, clean the wounds, pay myself on the back and encourage myself to keep trying. There's only so much you can do until the pain begins to get to you. Chapter Two was more or less about me fighting the truth. I want to feel wanted and I want to be enough. We went all the way for each other. Now it's all gone.

I look back on those months and thought about the good times. Our first kiss, our first plan to have kids, our first wedding plan, our first everything. Now all my favorite things are my least favorite cause they all lead back to you. How do you feel right now, knowing I'm alone and dying? How do you feel when you hear from others that I'm not doing okay. How will you feel when you get a text saying there's a suicide note and you're part of it.

Life is running out of reasons for trying, I amaze myself with all that I've done. But in the end... I'll still be gone. I'll never find another wife like you. One who treated me so well.... yet so, so cruel. I'm not Dr.Suess and I can't rhyme for shit, but at least I can get my feelings out... blah blah blah this book is lit.

Christmas is coming soon and I remember our first. I got us matching pillows and got you a Fall Out Boy CD, also for your birthday I gave you a piece of me. I necklace with my name on it, I got it from my dad. He said "Emma, when you find the one you'll be with for forever give this to them." And I found you and I really thought forever would be part of this. That was my heart and now you destroyed it. My trust, my hope, my faith, my everything is gone.

I lay in bed and cry and I don't go to work anymore. I try to be strong... but I can't anymore.