Guys, I'm Gay

My Life Through The Months

BEFORE WE START JUST READ ALL OF THIS. YOU'LL SEE WHY WHE YOU GET THROUGH IT.

Hey guys! It's Emma again! 😂 so I haven't updated at all.... and I'm sorry. I'm bad at life. But I want to give you a big update on my life.

I almost died a few weeks ago, I hurt myself pretty badly but I've been getting better and I'm trying to love myself because I always put myself down and I want to change that. I don't really want to talk about me trying to kill myself, but it was bad

I have a girlfriend now! And her name is Christian 😂 the same Christian that I was in love with a million months ago 😂 we have been dating for nine days and it's not very long but it still makes me so happy 😂😁

On Sunday (1-15-17) I went to her house and we ended up doing things.... 😂 and so Tuesday when we went back to school everyone was staring at me cause they knew the hickies on her were from me 😂 and I'm still being bothered about it. But it was great and that makes me happy too 😂

I got a super cool Batman poster like two days ago, it says "go team me" and I laughed a lot so I bought it 😂

Uh, I sprained my ankle today! I was walking with Christian and I slipped on the wet floor and messed up my ankle so now I'm tucked up in bed and not able to walk that well 😂

My dad and my grandma are coming to visit in February and I'm excited cause I miss them a lot.  (Update: they never came)

My grandma had a heart attack on New Year's Eve, that sucked and I was in a pretty crappy mood for a few days. But I went to my friend Williams house for New Years and we watched Panic! At The Disco perform and screamed at the tv 😂

I got a Dan and Phil calendar and a tee shirt for Christmas. They are so cool and I'm happy 😂

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UPDATE : It's currently 4-15-17

This is probably the saddest thing ever.... I used to be so happy. Christian and I have been talking about how we haven't been happy lately. I'm always depressed. And seeing this is hurting me a lot... I'm not happy... like I don't even know. I've watched 13 Reasons Why and it fucked me up. What do I do at a time like this... even my friends told me I've become more depressed sense I've been with Christian... but I don't understand how cause she makes me happy. Send help.

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2nd UPDATE: it's 4-16-17 now

Yesterday was really hard for me and I thought my life was falling apart. Yesterday evening I went for a walk and I found myself on top of a huge gravel hill. That's where I found some sort of inner peace. I took my blades with me on this walk- here me out- and I talked to myself out loud cause nobody was around, and I came to realize that things will get better. I'm not useless, I'm not ugly, I'm not fat, I'm me. And I'm perfect the way I am. My girlfriend likes me for who I am. My friends like me for who I am. So I buried my razors and I wrote this thing, just to get some feelings out.

"Why punch gravel, my friend?"

"To the lightest touch, gravel is a million razor blades poking you. In a punch, it's just a rock- you don't feel the blades."

"Why do you wish to feel the rock against your knuckles?"

"It's for the words I can't say. Rather the words I can't tell, but I feel. Distinguishing. Leave me alone and leave me to it."

"What if I hate to see my friend in pain? All I can do is to sit and watch suffer?"

"No, your company is well enough to help me fight my demons. Yet you sit and watch, tell me why?"

"Cause I can't fight my own. I need to see how it's done, but frankly I don't see violence being the answer."

It makes no sense, but instead of taking my time being depressed and hurting all the time I want to start writing like I used to. That's my goal in life, I want to become well at writing and just be someone. If you read all of this, thank you. I love you.