Love Is Love

When you're broken on the ground...

Lin's POV:
There was a lingering silence between us. I really am broken aren't I? This Stacy thing was destroying me yet I love her too much to let her go. Another tear fell down my cheek, followed by another, and another until I was shaking with sobs. Jon's hand rested on my shoulder comforting me as I continued to cry. There was a silence between us. Not an awkward one, a knowing silence.
"Why did I say that to her Jon?"
"What?"
"Why did I tell her I wasn't ready for a child?"
"Lin. It was just a last minute freak out thing, loads of people do it."
"But why did I? What godly powers got me to screw up my own life with a few words? I fucked it up, and now I've got to pick up the pieces alone. You shouldn't help me. I'm a fucking monster!"
"Lin. You're not a monster. You just freaked out and things took a wrong turn."
"A fucking wrong turn?! More like a freaking 360 in a car crash than a wrong turn!"
My fist clenched and I saw Jon eye it carefully, maybe it was just me but I swear I saw a flash of fear in his eyes. Did he think I would hit him? God, I am a monster! More tears fell as Jon unclenched my fist, his hand tightening around mine.
"Lin, I know you're fucked up because of this but you will get better. You may think I'm crazy right now but one morning your going to get up and have a spring in your step because you have forgiven -"
"Stacy?"
"- Because you have forgiven yourself. You and I both know neither of us can blame Stace-Stacy. We're both loosening our grip on sanity and, I know you don't want to hear this but Lin you have eaten barely anything. I don't want you to die. Think of Ariella and Isaac, they already - they already don't have a mother -"
I took a sharp intake of breath at those words. Jon's eyes seemed to soften as he continued,
"- do you really want them to live without a father too? Foster care? Sure they can go to the one Eliza founded to be poetic but how would they feel about that? They haven't even seen Hamilton yet."
"They need to see Hamilton."
Jon smiled at me rolling his eyes just like he used to before, well, before the accident. But it wasn't an accident was it? I killed her. I said the words that triggered her mind to commit suicide. I set it all off. Stacy wasn't to blame for her suicide, it was me. Jon watched me carefully as I thought all this, it didn't take a while before he asked,
"Lin, what are you thinking about?"
I cleared my throat.
"Oh, I, Uh, nothing."
"Lin, I've known you for years. I don't care if you don't want to tell me now but I know you're lying."
With that he walked out of the study. Is he leaving me to write more? What does he want me to do? Once he closed the door behind him I shrugged to myself and sat down behind my desk. However, once I had the pen in my hand, I couldn't think of anything to write. I felt numb to any emotion and it only infuriated me more. Pushing the pen against the paper my arm began to shake with the effort until the nib broke off and ink spilt onto the page, I sighed running my hands through my hair. It was four in the morning and I should be asleep. Jon should too. Questioning the thought I found him in the lounge.
"Jon, why are you still here?"
"Because you still need me here."
"Jon. I am fine."
"You still believe that? God how long will it take?!"
His voice got louder as I shrunk away from it, I felt so damn weak and lost without her.
"I am fine Jon. I will get by. I'm usually up at this time but you are not. Go home and rest. Trust me, this isn't like you to stay up."
Silently Jon nodded picking up his bags and leaving, I was surprised to say the least. He said himself that he can see through my lies yet somehow he believed it. Shrugging I trudged upstairs to sleep in the double bed. Alone.
I was awoken by crying as per usual. I had pondered on the fact Jon never told me why he didn't call me but I let it go, we were tired and we both needed to put matters aside. I walked into the kids room to see Ariella in tears, rushing to cuddle her out of the corner of my eye I saw Isaac wake up and burst into tears because of the noise. Great. After making sure they were okay I lifted them downstairs and into their baby chairs around the table.
"Puerto Rican or - or British?"
I said with a deep breath. Both kids were too busy playing with their mini tables in front of them to realise.
"Oh yeah... I forgot. Baby food. Well I'm going to have a British meal."
In the end, after I cooked mine and tendered to Ariella and Isaac's needs, I finally was able to relax and eat watching these little reincarnations of Stacy play with their toys. I loved to watch them play but at the same time it hurt to see the resemblance and I felt terrible because of it. It just pains me to remember her, three days, it's been three days since it happened and it feels like it was an hour ago. I'll never get the image out of my head for as long as I live, I don't think Jon will too. After thinking about him my phone buzzed and lit up, Jon confiscated it but he must've left it for me to look at. And as Jon said, there was worldly support pouring through my notifications.

AN: TOOK AGES! Sorry about that but I never felt like updating enough to finish this chapter hence why it lasted so long. See ya in the next chapter!