I exist I exist I exist

Winter

It's always during the winter months that I get sadder. I'm feeling more and more alone and like I have no one to turn to. I was home alone and I heard noises and that scared me really bad and I thought "I need to talk to someone" so I pulled out my phone to call someone and I couldn't think of anybody. I wanted to call someone and talk to them but I didn't have anybody who would calm me. I texted people instead but they didn't answer.

I feel something but I don't know how to explain it other than bad and cold. It's really cold in this house. My hands are ice and I can't stop shaking. I want to be in my bed.

I'm tired of everything. After every interaction I have with someone I cringe out of embarrassment. I don't want to talk to people, I'm sick of embarrassing myself. I want to curl up in my bed under the blankets and stay warm and safe and dry.

I hope you'll stop me before I build a wall around me

Wesley doesn't talk to me much anymore. I don't know what I did, or if he's angry with me. He didn't meet me before sixth period either.

I'm not close to Jazzmine anymore and I'm not close to Wesley anymore and everything's going wrong. Soon it will just be me alone and that thought terrifies me. I cry a lot now. The littlest things make me cry. I've cried in school at least five times this semester and I hate it. I'm so weak and I'm so dumb and I can't stand it.

Everybody leaves me but nobody realizes that I want to leave myself. I long to leave this body and this mind behind and become someone better and stronger and smarter and kinder. By I can't. This is who I am and I can't change it.

And at once I knew I was not magnificent

There are so many pretty people out there but I am just isabella. I have no personality and no identity. Everybody is so pretty with their bright eyes and vibrant souls and i am just nothing.

I miss Savannah so much. It's been two years but I still hurt from her absence. Two years but I still log on and pray for a response. I still cry over her. She was my lifeline, and she disappeared without a word. She was the only one to understand. I told her things I've never told anyone and she knew every side of me. I miss her so much. So, so, so much.

I try to remember her as the positive impact she was on my life but every time I think of her I end up sobbing. It hurts so much.

I keep crying and I can't stop, but it never helps the pain. Why can't I ever stop?