I exist I exist I exist

whats happening to me

Friday at school I was waiting to go into class for 2nd period when my stomach started feeling really funny. Like someone shook up soda inside my belly. In first period my arms had been weak and shaky and my knees felt kinda soft, but then it started getting worse and my hands started shaking and I didn't know if I was getting sick or what. Then an alarm went off and we had to go out to the parking lot. As we were standing out there I felt like I was about to fall down my knees were so shaky. Eventually we went back into class and I sat down. My hands were shaking so hard that when I rested them on the table they started tapping like those kids who make beats on the table in class that's how bad it was. I was like wtf is happening and my stomach started getting worse and then it was all building up in my insides and I felt like I was about to cry. I texted my mom and my friend and it was just a big yucky feeling that i never ever want to feel again.

Jazzmine says it sounds like a panic attack and so did my mom but idk I don't want to say it was for sure. After 2nd period I went to band and I tried to focus on my breathing and on not crying. Then another alarm went off and we had to go out again. When we were there one of our directors was talking about how we have to get the end of the music finished up and everyone was answering him but I couldn't speak, then all of a sudden his face turned super clear and everything around me was like I put on glasses and I don't know how to describe it. After that i was texting my mom and she got mad cause I caused confusion between my stepdad and my grandma and then i just couldn't hold back tears anymore and just covered my face and tried to stop crying. Cynthia noticed and so did kaylee and it was really embarrassing that i just started crying in front of my entire class.

When we went back inside the director was walking around and talking to some kids and then he saw me and I was sitting with my head down still trying to stop crying and he asked if I was okay and told me to go get some water. I was so embarrassed the whole time. In the hallway a girl saw me and asked if I was okay which was really nice of her but I was still so embarrassed and I couldn't control my crying and the tears just kept coming. I want to cry right now just thinking of it. When I was little my mom said I'm an ugly crier and everyone saw me crying and oof I'm about to cry again.

I tried to play my instrument when I came back in but I didn't sound good at all, luckily the office kid came in with my note saying I was being taken home. I cried in the car too with my stepdad which was embarrassing too.

All of this week has been a mess. An entire day was gone from my memory and I've had a tight feeling in my chest all week.

It took me a few hours to calm down completely. My mom says she needs to take me to a doctor, that it's not normal that I always feel like I'm going to die and that I freak out a lot.

Today I had an ap human geo practice test. I didn't want to go, I wanted to stay home away from everyone who isn't family. My mom made me go, which was best because I need all the practice I can get. I came home and watched YouTube and did laundry. At around 12 am though,  I started feeling nervous and had the need to clean my room completely. I cleaned all of my bedroom, adjusted my nightstand and reorganized it then cleaned a bunch of other random shit in the hallway because I couldn't stop. I had to get it clean or it wouldn't be okay.

When I was checking on matrix, I saw his eye flash pure white, which was probably just my eyes tricking me, and I freaked out. I ran into Gabriel's room and woke him up and told him that something was in matrix that was bad and it was watching me and wanted to hurt me. Idk why I thought that but that was the thing that made most sense in the moment. Of course, Gabriel told me I was being stupid and needed to calm tf and stop being so dramatic and that I sounded schizophrenic. He has a loft bed and my arms were up on the railing to be able to look up at him, and as I looked at my arms, the more I noticed that something was wrong with them. They weren't mine. They were too long and thin and they weren't mine and I had no clue what was happening but I knew those arms were not my arms. I started crying and telling Gabriel to help me that they weren't my arms that something was wrong. I don't know how to explain the sensation. I just looked at my arms and they seemed impossibly long and thin and they couldn't be mine. Gabriel told me to calm down, turn on the light and look at them. He had me put my arms down to my side and had me look and see that they were in fact the right length and that nothing was wrong. It's been an hour since then and I feel okay now. My head is fuzzy and uncomfortable but it's just because it's 2:30 am I think.

Anyway, I just wanted to write everything that happened down. I'm worried something like what happened with my arms will happen again but when I'm in public. That was absolutely terrifying and I hope it never happens again. Maybe I'm going crazy or something. Idk I need to go to sleep now.