I exist I exist I exist

Yuck

I wish I could just stick an emotion into this chapter like an image so y'all can kinda know how I feel without me having to try to explain it. Idk. It's a mix of sadness and loneliness and bitterness all mixed up into one big painful feeling in my chest. I've been pretty lonely. People don't talk to me as much so once I noticed that I stopped talking to them a lot more and then bam buncha people think I'm mad at them or that I don't like them then they don't want to be around me which makes me close off from them even more and it all just becomes one endless cycle and yuck.

Everyone's better friends with someone else than me and also yuck to that. I don't have anyone to talk to or trust anymore really and double yuck. Besides Emma. I think she's the only one I'm okay with talking to lol oof me. Idk.
I remember feeling like I had so many friends who cared about me and I could trust but now i feel so alone even though it's my fault for not talking to them and trusting them. I don't want to burden them I guess. Idk. I'm not positive anymore. Every time I try and fail and I am in a permanent state of sadness it won't go away I'm just always sad underneath. Maybe that's just how I am, made to be sad. Every time I try to be happy I fail. Maybe I'm just too lazy. My rooms a mess and I haven't done homework and I'm slipping with my grades I'm too lazy and I hate myself for that. Idk what's wrong with me. Is here a cure to laziness? Maybe I need to hurt myself until I do it. I'm tired a lot. I can't keep friends. I feel disconnected from everything. I just feel so alone all the time. I'm too dependent on others i think. Sometimes I just want to kill myself. I think once I lose all my friends I will. It won't be too long I guess.