I exist I exist I exist

fresh

July 6

I keep trying to write out things but I just delete them. I've been trying to start fresh and erase everything of what I guess you could call the old me. I deleted all of my social media apps, deleted all of my pictures spare a few of matrix and some of bullet journal inspiration. I've started a small collection of plants on my windowsill and I've rearranged my room. I'm getting a new lizard tomorrow as well. Once I get him I'm going to make a new chapter with lots of pictures probably lol. I don't really know, I'm just trying to be more productive and mindful of how I live my life. I want to make something out of myself and be a person I'm proud of.

I've started to sort of purge myself of all of my old friends and memories and I don't really know. I just lost all attachment I once had to people and I threw away so many sentimental items just because I felt nothing anymore. I broke up with my boyfriend because i didn't have it in me emotionally to have romantic interest in a person. I've started waking up around 5am as well. I enjoy the morning when it's quiet and nobody else is up.

July 12

I feel fuzzy again. Like I'm stuck in jello and can't get up. I hate when I feel fuzzy. I can't think straight and I get nothing done. What do other people do when they're getting fuzzy? I don't know how to get out. Should I get rid of more things? I have a pile of things to be given away and donated on my floor and in the entryway is another box of things.

I keep throwing things out and deleting messages and apps and unsubscribing to things but I still end up fuzzy. It's like I haven't even done anything to fix it. I think I'm just lazy. I can't pick one thing to focus on I keep jumping from activity to activity. It went from learning a language to learning about hedgehogs to gardening again to learning about reptiles to getting a new reptile to cleaning everything out of my room and life to laying in bed writing this. I feel nervous but I don't know why. I'm in bed but I'm shaking my leg and I feel nervousness in my chest. I don't know what's up. I'll clean more I guess I have to wait until a friend comes by to pick up some stuff but after that I can donate it all and get my room clean again.