I exist I exist I exist

Weight

I feel like I'm dragging other people down every time I get close to someone. Every single time I swamp them with my own misery and they run away, and I can't blame them. I don't mean to do it.

I don't understand why I can never be happy for long. I just don't get it. I had a really good few months and a few months ago I started getting sad again. I was ashamed. I still am ashamed. I'm ashamed that I've let myself slip up and become sad again. If I had just pushed myself harder and focused more. I got lazy. I chose to lay in bed instead of clean, and to eat rather to care for my plants. Now I can't keep my room clean and my plants have died. I'm so ashamed of it.

I let myself think that I was never going to be sad anymore and let myself forget and now it's overwhelming now sad I am.

I'd rather lay in bed than clean my room or exercise and now I'm just a slob whose out of shape. I don't know how to fix myself. I don't know what's wrong with me.

Sometimes I get so scared of simple things like walking down a hall or ordering at a restaurant that I just try to avoid it all. Sometimes I feel like I'm about to die. I can just feel it in my gut that I'm running out of time and any day soon will be the end. I've sat in my moms room and hung out with my mom and my brother thinking 'this is my last night alive. This is all that I have. Tomorrow I'm going to die" and idk it's weird and scary and it makes me cry because I get so scared. Is this normal? Does this happen to everyone? Idk.

I'm gonna tag TheGamingOtaku because they're smart and I don't know if they read this book but if you know what's all funky with my little beanie brain plz help lololol