I exist I exist I exist

Conflicting thoughts

I don't know what to think sometimes.

I have a lot of issues with my father and idk maybe that makes me a bad person. I don't know what to think. My mom says he's a narcissist and sometimes I agree. I don't want to say he's abusive. He hugs me and he got me and my brother beds and he can be very nice and I love him, but when he gets angry it's a whole different story. Sometimes he's just plain mean. He talks shit about my mom to us and gets in fights with people online over petty things that last weeks and he takes my phone to make fun of my friends through texts. He means it as a joke when he talks to them i guess and i laugh at it because that's always how it's been. He makes fun of someone and we stand back and laugh. Idk. I hate it when he talks about my mom like he does. For the longest time her profile picture on his phone was of a donkeys asshole, maybe it still is. It upsets me because I love her a lot and I hate it when they fight and I have to go between them. I have lots of problems but I'm too afraid to say anything. I don't think he'd want me to anyway. I've never really tried to stand up to him before or give him much attitude or anything because he'd probably hit me when I was younger. I'm still scared of him a bit.

Some of my worst memories of him is when we didn't clean the game room fast enough and we got distracted and started playing and he came in and was screaming and me and Gabriel were real scared and he flipped the train table over and I'm pretty sure it hit Gabriel and we started crying and he made us go into the kitchen and kneel on rice and we were crying and then my mom walked out of her room from taking a shower and started yelling and got us up and the rice was all stuck in my knees and it hurt a lot but it hadn't cut my skin yet. She was really mad at him for that. That was when I was real little. Maybe six or seven? Then more recently like a few years ago I remember doing something bad I can't remember what but he was standing over me in my grandmas living room and he was screaming and his face was getting really red and I just started crying I was so afraid and he pushed me down and I hurt myself on the stuff cause my grandmas house it full of stuff. Every time we did something wrong he would ask us why we did it and I always dreaded that question cause I would never know what to say and I'd be so scared and every time I would say "I don't know" he'd yell at us or spank us or hit us because I guess he was trying to teach us to think before acting or something I don't know. One thing I never understood was when he was mad at us he would stare at us for a long time and eventually one of us would flinch because we were just so anxious and it built up in us and we were so ready to get smacked we would just be so afraid of it and then he'd get mad that we flinched for no reason so he'd smack us and tell us not to flinch,  that he wasn't going to hit us but he hit us for flinching which we only did because we were used to him hitting us but he was mad at our instincts? He still does that sometimes and it makes me mad. That was the longest run on sentence in all of existence. You see why I hesitate on saying he's abusive? I feel like if one of my friends parents read this they would think I'm overdramatizing it and I'm just whining. I don't know. I feel guilty for thinking badly about him. I'm a bad daughter ug I'm really sorry

I think maybe that's how most kids have been raised? Maybe they all have this discipline and I'm just too weak to handle it. My brother seems fine. He's got Asperger's syndrome tho so maybe that's why he just seems so unaffected. I'm not sure. Whoever reads this do you think this is normal stuff? I don't know. I'm sorry for being so weak ugh I feel so bad I don't know.

Speaking of his aspergers. My little brother has adhd and Asperger's syndrome, so he can be really difficult to deal with sometimes. I love him bunches but sometimes it's just yikes. Very stubborn, very loud, very unaware of the unspoken social rules. I feel like my dad has given this fact zero consideration when being with Gabriel. He gets pissed off at things that he can't control. Same with his girlfriend. I'm so fucking sick of them getting angry at him for something that he is not to blame for. It's like telling your kid off for not  walking fast enough when they have a dislocated hip. They don't seem to understand that he's different from them, and they don't try to help him or guide him, just get mad at him. Even when I want to strangle him I remind myself that no,he's not trying to be a pain in the ass, his mind works this way and for him and yes he's a stubborn kid but that's literally how his brain works you can't change it. I understand getting mad at him for doing things, but when you get mad at him for showing symptoms of his disorder it just feels like they have done zero research on it. I'm not an expert on it at all but at least I know the fucking basics. My nana who we see very rarely has done more research than my father has, who we see every other weekend.

My dad has a temper and I got it. I lose my temper really easily with some people  like my brother and I hate myself for it. I don't want to have kids and hit them when I lose my temper and have them fear me. That's my biggest fear. I don't ever want to hit my kids. I don't think I'd ever forgive myself. In some ways I'm terrified of become my father.

My dad also has a girlfriend. I can't stand her. She's lazy and whiny and insufferable. There was that one time with the peppers where I had to clean out a bunch of peppers with no gloves and it got all over me and my hands burned for days, then I messed up on some cause I was more focused on getting my hands away from the stuff that was burning me and while I was telling Nikki my hands hurt really bad she just told me to go wash them that theyd be fine but she goes in after an hour and fixed the ones that I didn't do well enough and she's crying and throwing up and mad at me for making her have to fix them and crying that it hurts so bad even though she had to do half of what I did with barely anything in them and she cried about it all night. Then she told my brother and I to make food for ourselves so I made myself two pancakes and Gabriel got cereal since he didn't want pancakes, then Nikki come out from her room and cried because I didn't make her pancakes even tho she said to make food for ourselves, I figured she had already gotten something to eat or had plans on making herself something but I guess she meant make her food? Anyway I just gave her my pancakes and waited for dinner since I didn't have the energy to fight or anything. Then the second to last time we were there she cried yet again because we ate the last of her expired yogurt. It was already expired so she had plenty of time to eat it,and there was nothing else for us to eat and my brother and I were starving. So we ate the breakfast yogurts because we assumed nobody wanted them since they were expired and nobody had eaten them yet. They have a habit of buying stuff they don't need and have no real reason for buying, like going to the store and buying four pineapples for no reason even though they are short on money. Two of those pineapples rotted away,just a complete waste of money.

I know this is probably unreadable but i just needed to rant to something and let it all out because I was feeling like shit.
Basically that was all just a bunch of stuff I wanted to complain about. I keep losing track of my thoughts while I'm writing this. I just wanted to write out everything I'm thinking and just get it out because I don't really know who I would tell this to and I don't want my friends to think I want pity and I don't want them to say kind words to me. I just want to get it all out so maybe I can feel better I guess.

I'm sorry if anyone reads this I don't want to seem ungrateful cause ik I have a father and other people don't and I actually have a pretty good dad. Some fathers rape their kids or are alcoholics or just abandon their kids and I'm ashamed of feeling like this towards mine. I'm going to work on not disliking him anymore I think. I don't know. It's ingrained in me at this point. I'm sorry.