I exist I exist I exist

Memories

I was trying to sleep tonight just about 30 minutes ago when suddenly I'm getting these memories of something that happened a long time ago when I was little. When I'm thinking of something that's difficult I like to imagine I'm speaking to someone nameless and faceless like a therapist and it's easier for me to work things out. As I was in bed just remembering what had happened I started to think that yeah, what had happened was not okay at all and it probably messed me up a bit. I don't want to say what happened because someone could get in trouble and also I don't want to type out what happened.

Anyway, I realized that yes, that was indeed very fucked up and I just feel so dirty and gross. I started to think about what happened after that and how he looks me in the eyes still when I see him and hugs me and that he remembers what happened but he probably thinks I don't. But I do. I don't remember exactly what happened but I remember what I did and I remember what he told me still, word for word. I'm not angry at him or anything and I don't dislike him, I just feel dirty and ashamed. He told me to keep it a secret and I did. I would tell my friends, " oh, you can trust me to keep who you like a secret! I have a secret from when I was like five and I haven't told anyone!" And i feel ashamed that I was proud of it. Nothing that happened was traumatizing to me and I'm not ruined inside but i still feel gross and used and shameful and just like a very dirty person.

I told my cousin once and she said she would tell my dad even when I told her not to but either she didn't tell him or she told him and he didn't care or didn't believe her. Maybe I'm weird for believing myself. Maybe I made it up. It would be pretty messed up for a child to make that up but maybe I'm just a messed up person. I don't really know.

I just wanted to write it out. I feel better. The weight is less on my chest and I don't want to cry. Does anyone besides Amber read this? Idk who knows.