I exist I exist I exist

Pointless things

Everything seems so pointless. I don't talk to anybody about things I care about and I am just sitting here rotting. I've got so much I want to do but I can't seem to do it. I need to cut off all of my friends. That's what I keep thinking. Idk maybe that would be good. I don't want to though.

Maybe I just need to reset. That's not what I want, though. I want to have people that have known me for years and we already know everything about each other and we can just laugh together and have sleepovers for days in a row. I have nobody I can do that with and I long for that kind of friendship.

I want to be someone else. I'm so sick of being sad all of the time. I don't understand why I can't be happy. I can laugh and be happy but it never lasts long and I hate it so much. It's like being sad is my default, and I'm happy for a few minutes but then I'm reset to sad.

There are few things I look forward to. In the mornings I sit at the tables with people but I feel so awkward and out of place and everything feels messed up and I don't know how to explain it. Cynthia is the only person who will always be there with me, gabi comes but she comes in late and she has other people to talk to, Wesley comes in really late if he come in at all, and James comes but he has other friends he wants to talk to instead so it's just Cynthia I know will be there.

After that I'm just waiting for fourth period where I sit with Evan, Demonati, and Ryan. They're all smarter than me and I feel out of place again but at least I know them and they talk to me. Demonati is the only one I would actually consider my friend out of the three of them. He's nice to me, in his weird way.

Lunch I have with Evan and Demonati and I listen as they talk about Overwatch, something I have no clue about. Other times they talk about things I know and I can join in, and other times I just do my homework. Demonati gives me his fries and I usually try to throw away his trash when he's done eating. I like doing that for him. Evan doesn't let me do it for him anymore.

The next best time is between fifth period and sixth period. People hug me and at that point I really need it because I am usually dead inside after biology. I get to see Jazzmine as well, usually which is really great. Then I go to English which is my favorite class. After that I suffer though algebra and wait until I can see Wesley when I walk home. We usually stop at the park or I would go to his house, but recently I haven't been able to cause my mom wants me to do stuff.

Idk why I just wrote down my day but oops. Talking about the highlights of my day cheered me up a bit, though.

I don't know, dudes. I just feel like I don't belong. I feel like my body does not belong in this universe taking up space and existing. Maybe it's true. My mom was on birth control when she got pregnant with me, and when I was being born my umbilical cord was wrapped around my neck twice and I was being choked. Maybe the universe was trying to keep me from existing.

I don't know. I think of killing myself a lot. I don't know why. I don't want to be dead, not really. I just want to be something better than me. Boring, sad, lonely Isabella. Why couldn't I have been someone like gabi. Everybody loves gabi.

It's my dads weekend this weekend. He's renting a house now so maybe things will get better. Idk. I'm tired. Have some songs I like: