I exist I exist I exist

Anxiety?

My mom says she's going to take me to a doctor and see if I have anxiety.

I have venephobia and that messes me up on the daily cause I can't stand to look at my own arms or wrists or certain parts of my hands and if i hear someone talking about it I start to get tingles in my arms until it hurts and then i can't move my hands or arms because i feel it in me and it just gets real bad. It's really weird, i know.

I also have this thing where I see "signs" which are basically just a bunch of coincidences, but I convince myself they mean that something horrible is going to happen in the very near future or that I'm about to die. For example, about a month ago I was in the shower and I saw four streaks on the shower curtain, then I saw four bottles on one side of the tub, then when I got out I saw streaks in the mirror that kind of looked like the number four, then I saw four q tips in the container and obviously this meant I was going to die that night. I was terrified and convinced myself I heard footsteps of someone coming to kill me and my brother when I was in bed. Things like that happen too often. Yesterday morning I was walking to school and I had a tight feeling in my chest because I thought I was going to be kidnapped and nobody would be able to find my body because nobody would know what happened.

I convince myself that something bad is going to happen when there is absolutely no reason to feel that way.
Not to mention me being afraid to talk to people or go outside or anything. Lol I'm just a mess in general. My moms going to take me to a doctor and see if it's something serious or nothing to worry about.

Anyway, idk what else to write about. I haven't done much at all recently. I haven't been talking to people much at all and idk how I feel about it. Pretty good I guess, kinda lonely but it's all good. I don't think anyone has noticed it at all which sucks but oh well I guess. Everything goes in a haze. I haven't had a clear head in a long time.

I don't know. Most of the time I feel alright but right now I feel really lonely. Sometimes I just daydream and imagine my friends and me all hanging out in my room and having a nice time. Idk. I've been perfecting my room and it's aesthetic and it's pretty nice right now. I put curtains over my giant missing wall so I kinda have privacy but they're black and ugly and I'm going to buy some yellow or white ones.

In two weeks I'll get to see kiah. I'm waiting for summer. I want to get a bicycle so I can ride around with my brother and friends. This will probably be my last summer where I don't have a job so I better make it good.

It's sunset right now and it makes my room look so pretty.

Idk what else to say so adiós