I exist I exist I exist

do i exist?

Every time I think of what happened I feel a rotting deep in my chest. Dirty and spoiled. I feel ruined. I think of everything that could have happened that I just don't remember and I feel broken. I wish it hadn't happened. I wish I wasn't there. I wish I could go back and stop him.

If what happened to me affects me so much now I can only imagine how it feels for others who went through worse. So much worse has happened to other people.

I think of it so much more often now. I used to hardly think of it.

The more people I tell the more I think of it and the more it hurts.

I feel so bitter inside. I want someone to talk to. Someone to help me. Validate it. I don't know. I feel almost guilty for being so torn up over something that isn't as bad as stories I've heard. I've read that people sometimes block out memories that are too upsetting to remember and with my poor memory idk if I would remember everything that happened.

The things I do remember make my insides churn and my heart twist. I remember how I felt. I remember the words said. I can say them by heart. I wish to forget. Is this normal? Does everyone go through something like this growing up? More people than ever know what happened but I still feel so alone.

I don't know how to stop it from hurting. Why did it happen?