I exist I exist I exist

Bleh

I feel bleh right now. I wish I had close friends. Idk I guess I have close friends but they feel distant. I don't know. I'm kinda just the middle friend for everyone. Everyone's got better friends and people they prefer and I'm just a filler if that makes sense. Maybe I just get jealous. Probably lol. I don't like to introduce my friends to each other because every time I do they start to like each other more than me and then they kinda forget about me lol. Idk maybe I'm just the introducer and that's what my life purpose is. Feels kinda shitty oof. At least Matrix is happy and has a friend.

They're cuddling together. I felt really guilty to keep Matrix in a cage alone so I got simon and they seem to like each other. I'm listening to snake & the prairie dogs by cavetown on repeat right now. It might become one of my favorite songs. Idk. I want a best friend. I created one in my head but pretty sure people can't pop into existence from my imagination. Idk.

I'm upset with myself. I want to help so many people and fix their problems and stop their hurting but I'm just a weak little girl and I can't even comfort someone. I wish I was better. I'm ashamed. I want to be better and kinder and I want to make people's day better and I want to be the person people can go to when they need someone to talk to. I don't think anyone sees me as someone they can trust. I don't know, maybe they shouldn't.

Maybe I'm the person I act like around people at school, the weird girl with the big brown jacket who makes weird noises and doesn't know when to shut up and isn't even smart enough to make good grades in algebra. Just a burden. My friends say they don't know how to describe me in any other way than just "Isabella" and I don't want to be isabella. I want to be kind, I want to be friendly, I want to be empathetic.

Do people even think of me when I'm not around? Maybe not. Oh well,I guess. As long as my lizards and friends are happy.