I exist I exist I exist

Confusion

I have no clue what's up with my brain. Puberty I guess. I asked my wife if she felt sad most days and she said yes so I guess it's normal.

For about four years now I've been sad most of the time. It feels like there's a cavity in my chest that absorbs my good feeling and memories and it all just disappears. I've considered suicide but I'm too weak for that. It's on my mind every day, though, and idk how to fix it. Sometimes I make plans on how I would do it, or i draft notes. Idk I just feel like I am worth nothing. Maybe I'm just look for attention? I don't know anymore.

People say kind things to me, but their words mean nothing. It just gets sucked up into the void and I think about how better of they would be with me gone. If I died it would not matter in the long run. There are over seven billion people on this earth and I'm just one little girl.

I thought maybe I have depression but it's probably just puberty. Hormones are all out of whack, you know?

I can't fully enjoy things anymore. I want to see a counselor or something but I don't want to talk about it. I don't want to tell my mom or other people about how I feel because it's probably just because of puberty and i don't want to burden them with my fake problems. I have no reason to feel sad all the time, you know? I have a nice house and a nice bed and food to eat and clothes to wear and I have absolutely no reason to be down, but I always am and I hate myself for it. I'm a disgrace, really. I suppose I just have to deal with it until I'm older and am not in puberty anymore.

I don't know. It just sucks to feel so nothing almost all the time. I don't know how to explain it. It's sad, but it's also so empty and I don't know. I'm not always sad though, sometimes like right now i feel just neutral. I don't feel sad and I don't feel happy, just existing. I'm not hurting like usual. Idk maybe I have a hormone imbalance or something. Who knows. My wife says it's normal to be sad a lot so I will believe her.