I exist I exist I exist

Welp

So lately I've been kinda sad and lonely I guess. Idk. I don't really have that many friends anymore. Kinda pulled away from all of them over here past few months oops lol.

I don't know how to explain how I feel. Sad. Upset. Frustrated. All of the above?

I can't blame other people, and I'm not. I blame myself 100%. I wasn't feeling myself over the winter and stopped talking to a bunch of people. If I had tried harder I wouldn't be in this situation at all. If I wasn't such a needy baby I wouldn't be in this situation. Idk.

Sometimes I think it's better if I had no friends at all. I wouldn't feel sad, and I wouldn't be replaced. I feel replaced I guess.

Hey, maybe that is what I'm supposed to do after all. I've written about that in one of these books I have. I think that's my purpose in life. Become friends with two people, introduce them, and then they become better friends or even start dating or something like that and then they will be happy and their fates will go on. Maybe I'm like the dude that sets people off to do whatever they're supposed to do.

That would be a lonely and heartbreaking life, I'd bet.

Well boy I'm doing a fine darn job of messing things up, aren't I?
Maybe that's actually what I'm here for, upsetting everyone and making stuff worse. Wouldn't be surprised tbh.

Idk. Soon I'll be alone, anyway. Maybe Wesley will stay. Who knows.

I wish I knew what to say when people are upset.

I want a best friend. James used to be mine but we don't talk much anymore and Cynthia was mine before him but we don't talk much anymore and Jazzmine was mine before her but we don't talk much anymore and Savannah was mine before her but we don't talk at all anymore. The list goes on an on. Maybe I'm just not like normal people and I'm just too weak to handle relationships? Perhaps so.

Things keep falling apart under my fingertips no matter how hard I try.