pure (h.s.)

twenty six

This week was definitely one of the hardest weeks of my life ever since I was fifteen. The only reason I didn't stay in my bed the whole week was because of my friends, especially Harry. It was times like this where I appreciated my friends more than anything.

Harry stayed over until Tuesday when everyone decided I need to go back to school. College was hard as it is, so missing school days was going to make it even harder.

This past week I have taken more showers than I have taken in my entire life. I needed to wash off the feeling on that boy's hands off my body.

I didn't want to eat or drink. I didn't want to move or talk. I felt like my body had been trespassed and no one could go there ever again. Food was one of those things that couldn't go in my body anymore.

I didn't want to be around guys at all. Whenever a boy woukd come around me, I would either freak out or run off. I was so paranoid that another boy was just going to take me into a room and do the same exact thing with my body.

I was currently in my boring computer science class. I usually didn't pay attention, but ever since that party I found myself wondering off in my thoughts more often. I knew I shouldn't be in school, but everyone has pushed me too. They all think I should be learning, instead of being in my house all day. I guess you could say my friends are looking out for me, but this time I felt like they were doing the wrong thing for me.

"Ms. Paretti, can you answer that for me?" my professor asked me, knowing I wasn't paying attention.

"I-uh-I-" I stuttered not knowing the answer.

"It's the X10 Protocol," someone from the back of class answered for me.

"Thank you, Mr. Malik," my professor said.

I was so relieved. I need to thank that boy for answering that question for me, even if I start to freak out.

I looked back at the boy in the corner of the classroom. He smiled at me. I hesitantly returned the smile. He seemed nice, what could possibly go wrong with thanking him?

The bell rang soon after that. I packed up my books, got up from my seat, and walked towards the boy.

"H-hi. I-I'm Caly. Thanks f-for answering the q-question for me. I wasn't p-paying attention," I stuttered from nervousness.

"No problem, Caly. I'm Zayn," he introduced.

"Nice t-to meet you, Zayn," I said.

"So why weren't you paying attention? I mean you're always the person to be answering questions in class," he said.

"I-I don't know. I was j-just thinking about something."

"Oh, okay. I've got to go to my next class. Maybe I'll catch you around," Zayn said smiling.

"Yeah, m-maybe," I said as he walked away.

That went better than I expected. Maybe we can be friends in the future if I didn't mess it up already.

I walked to creative writing and sat down is my usual spot next to Madison.

"Hey, Calz," Madison greeted.

"Hey," I said.

"You feeling any better?" she asked

"No. Maybe a little, but no."

She opened her mouth to speak again, but the professor started talking before she could.

"Class, your assignment today is to write about something you fear most. I don't want your fear to be snakes or bugs. I want you to dig deep to find your fear. If I don't approve of your fear, you're getting a very low grade. Your time begins now," Ms. Johnson said.

Why do I feel like everyone of these assignments always have something to do what happened what I'm dealing with at the time ?

I take my laptop out and start writing.

My biggest fear has changed throughout my lifetime. When I was younger, my biggest fear was growing up. A couple weeks ago, it was loving and breaking down my walls. As of right now, my biggest fear is losing someone and losing myself. Recently I experienced an event that made me lose myself. If you would ask me right now who I am, I would not be able to tell you. Losing yourself is something that is very hard to do, but when it happens you can't stop feeling empty. When you lose yourself, you don't know what to do. You don't know whether you want to be by yourself in your room or comforted by friends. I chose to be by myself, but people very dear to me pushed me out of my funk.

Which is why I'm afraid of losing people.

I didn't have friends until a couple weeks ago. I didn't feel the need to have anybody in my life. I was perfectly content. It wasn't until four amazing people stumbled into my life that I realized that I desperately needed friends in my life. They make me a better version of myself. I was so afraid of losing them that I didn't want to be without them. If I lost them, I don't think I would be able to live anymore. My friends are a part of me and I can't live without them.

When I went through this traumatic event, my friends helped me get through it. If it weren't for them, I dont think I would have been able to get out of my bed. I'm sitting here writing this assignment because of them. I'm just glad that I realized I needed them, before I lost them. I thank them for everything I am. I thank them for my life.

Madison, Louis, and Niall, I thank you for being in my life.

And Harry, I thank you for being my life.

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**I reallllllyyyyy liked this assignment oh my god. I think it gave a little more of a inside scoop of what Caly is feeling. I really hoped you liked it as much as I doooooo.

also that last three lines made me cry. goodnight.

AND WOAH ZAYNS IN THIS NOW I WASNT EVEN PLANNING THAT.

voooooooottteeee & comment my freaking loves.

-c