#INSPIRE

Rant

What's your label?

Mine is the depressed, anxious girl who has panic attacks on a daily basis.

I never wanted this. When I came back from programming, I didn't want to be known for my disorders.

Now, that's all people know about me.

Some people have thought that my habit of picking at my acne is the same as when I cut myself.

That really is NOT okay.

I feel alone most of the time, I don't have many friends. The friends I do have mostly stress me out more. I feel like I can't trust them a lot of the time. I hide things from them a lot.

My only escape from this ongoing hell is my headphones. Music is my life. That's the one thing I've relied on for as long as I can remember, along with writing.

Ever since I was little, whenever I would get stressed, I would write in a journal. Afterwards, I would instantly feel better, like the problem was solved.

As I got older, however, that changed.

My problems got bigger and bigger. They weren't just things that you could throw under a blanket, and pretend that the flames aren't getting bigger. They were still right in front of my face, burning me alive.

That's why I went to programming.

It helped me learn a lot of things about myself. It helped me learn who to trust, what to do with my feelings, and what to do in certain situations.

I made so many friends there. I wish I could've kept in contact with them all.

When I left, I got tons of discharge cards from all of them. One of them...meant the most to me.

It was from my best friend in programming. She was the definition of emo, she had long, black hair that she put over one eye. She wore dark hoodies, jeans, and sneakers. She would often sneak her phone and listen to music, until someone yelled at her.

Her name was Stephanie.

I would always scream, "G-NOTE!" at her, and then she would scream, "CRINGE!". We would go back and forth like this for a WHILE.

She was my literal best friend. She was absolutely amazing.

I felt safe there. I felt like I could be myself. In fact, I was a completely different person there than I was anywhere else.

I was loud, obnoxious, cool, and weird. I would usually be the one joking around and yelling out answers when we were in lessons. Most of the therapists there knew me by name when I left.

I was KNOWN for All Star by Smash Mouth. Every discharge card I made for someone, there would be the full lyrics to All Star by Smash Mouth. No one cringed at it. Everyone thought that it was the coolest thing ever.

I remember that in the kitchen, there was a fridge, a microwave, and a water and ice machine, alone with stacks of little styrofoam cups. We would just fill cups with little ice chips, grab some plastic spoons, and eat them during small group. They were AMAZING.

The thing I liked about programming the most was that we all knew everything about each other. Literally everything. We were all one friend group, we all stuck together. They accepted me for who I really was, and that was the absolute best thing that I've ever felt.

After I left, I cried many tears. In fact, I cried myself to sleep for over a week. I lost a lot of friends, and I didn't know if I would get friends like that ever again.

I mean, the friends I have now are cool. I just felt like the people at programming UNDERSTOOD me. They liked me for who I was. They let me say whatever I wanted. They let me be myself.

I felt safe there.

Now, it's the complete opposite.

School is like a war zone, with warriors and enemies around every corner. Home doesn't even feel like home a lot of the time, for a lot of reasons. I can't even really go to my church anymore, because of some stupid mistakes I've made. My friends roll their eyes at my actions, not knowing that I'm usually not joking. Most people probably hate me.

I feel really alone right now.

I don't know why I feel this way, I just do.

Sometimes, you can't help but feel alone.

Okay. Okay.

Five things you can see.

The comfy couch that I'm sitting on.
My phone.
My brother being an idiot.
A keyboard that doesn't have batteries.
My mom's wine glasses.

Four things you can hear.

My brother trying to play the keyboard.
My other brother crying over something.
The fridge being opened and closed.
My fingers tapping my phone.

Three things you can feel.

My phone in my hands.
My jacket sleeves that are SO COMFY.
My earbuds in my ears.

Two things you can smell.

Dinner being cooked.
Chlorine (in my hair).

One thing you can taste.

My Lifesavers mints.

I'm going to be okay. These feelings will pass. I will be okay. These feelings will pass. I will be okay. These feelings will pass. I will be okay. I will be okay. I will be okay...

I will be okay.

Rant end.