#INSPIRE

Oxygen

Something I'm desperately grasping for right now, but I can't reach.

Why is everything so hard? Every day I strive to be a good person, to be productive, and show the world that they were all wrong about me...

Yet, I cry every night. I don't know why. I have a good life. Why am I so selfish? Why can't I just be the perfect person, the perfect Kaitlyn that I used to be? Why can't I just be perfect? I just want to be skinny, pretty, smart, funny, cool...I just want to be perfect. I know I can't be. I know I can't. 

Why do I strive to be something I'm not? Do I want people to think I'm strong? I really don't know. I wish my brain would just shut up!

My world feels like it's falling apart more and more every single day. My head is constantly filled with thoughts that my brain can't put together. Every day is a puzzle, and I hate puzzles. 

Noone understands me. All anyone does is stare. That's all they do. They probably talk behind my back about how horrible of a person I am...and I deserve it. I deserve all of it. Because I'm a worthless piece of crap that's stuck to my friends' shoes. I'm fragile, and I'm weighing them down. That's all I ever do, and all I have ever done.

I'm so pathetic. I try so hard to get better, that I create a mask for myself. A Kaitlyn mask. The one that's loud and obnoxious. The one that's sassy and kind of smart. The one that always has a cup of iced coffee in the morning, ready to start the day. The one that's fun, kind...perfect.

But I'm NOT.

The real me cries uncontrollably any time I'm alone. the real me wants a connection with people but doesn't know how to get it. The real me tries so hard to right all of my wrongs, even some that I should leave in the past. The real me is hurt by people's comments about my weight, even though I don't SEEM like I'm hurt. The real me plays ukulele and piano when I'm upset. The real me listens to AJR and musicals religiously. The real me is Kaitlyn. 

I guess I don't want to accept that so much has changed. Everyone I've ever known is so different, and I'm just...me. My friends are so much different. Why is everyone so different?

Another question in my crazy life. I need oxygen. Oh my god...I really need someone to talk to someone please I need someone please I need someone to talk to I don't feel right please please, please...

I'm Kaitlyn Rose, thanks for coming to my TED talk.