#INSPIRE

Names (Rant #2)

B*tch.

*sshole.

Wh*re.

Sl*t.

Obese.

Stupid.

Ugly.

Jerk.

Emotional.

Drama queen.

Annoying.

Weird.

Emo.

Cringe.

Disgusting.

Weak.

SL*T.

*SSHOLE.

B*TCH.

These are the things that people call me. These, are my name tags.

Just imagine the clique name tag from the movies, "Hello! My name is..." but just put in all of these in place of my actual name.

That's me. That's how people see me, at least.

No matter how much I try to help other people, I only end up making things worse. I try to sympathize with people, but I either sympathize too much or not at all. There is no perfect area, no in-between.

When I actually try, I'm called cringy. When I don't, I'm called lazy or stupid. When I try to make people laugh or smile, I'm called a b*tch or an *sshole. When I try to make conversation with people, they always seem annoyed. They never really do want to talk to me.

I do have a couple of friends, don't get me wrong. They are absolutely AMAZING too. insperationallife badi79 @DepressedBean1234

Everyone else...I can't say the same thing.

I've lost quite a few friends during my healing process. Some, have changed a LOT. For a lot of them, it's not for the better.

Maybe I'm just being a b*tch? I don't know. But when someone is constantly threatening to slap and punch me, after we had a relationship that they know I can't seem to get over? I'm sure they read at least a couple of my chapters.

Maybe I'm just being mean. Maybe I'm just being cringy. Maybe I'm just being annoying as all hell.

I don't know.

I feel like I can't trust anyone, really anywhere. I've kind of distanced myself from everyone at my school. I don't see much point in social interaction, unless it's with the couple people I trust, or it's for entertainment purposes.

I've made my heart grow cold, to protect me from getting hurt again.

I'm not exactly depressed. I KNOW I'm not suicidal. That ship has sailed at this point. I know that I have some worth. I have to remind myself a lot of the time, but I've been able to somewhat change my mindset.

Now that I think about it, I've kind of become a loner. One of my friends brought it up to me during lunch. Maybe it's because I don't really have anyone to talk to?

Whenever I'm going to choir, and I find myself in the 7th grade hallway, I find myself slowing down. I would sometimes knock on my friends' old lockers, or wave to my old teachers.

There's one locker that I don't knock on. I just kind of stop and stare at it. It's his.

I remember how, almost every minute of every single day, we were inseparable. We walked together in the hallways, sat together at lunch, and met up after school. Between each class, I would stop by his locker, just to talk to him.

It wasn't for my benefit. It wasn't for entertainment. I just wanted to talk to him. My best friend.

Then, things changed. February 13th, I confessed my feelings on a corny card. Later that day, he said he liked me back.

February 17th, we started dating. Exactly a year from tomorrow, my whole life flipped upside-down.

Being in a relationship was fun. It ended in flames, when I least expected it. When I was at my weakest, and I needed him.

I needed my best friend.

Time passed, and we both changed. I started to become more awkward, while he became more like the popular guys we used to despise. He hung out with them a lot more, and threw me in the dust.

Do you remember our promise?

"I'll never break up with you. And even if we do, I'll never leave you."

"Promise?"

"Promise."

Now, we're different people. I've tried. I've tried so many times to get things back to the way they were. I wanted my best friend back so bad, more than anything.

I've tried to get on better terms with him. Maybe if I get him to follow me? Oh, I'll follow him! I'll also try to message him. I'll give him some genuine advice! That'll help everything.

Everything ended horribly. It always ended with him ignoring me, or treating me like sh*t.

Now, you're probably thinking, "Hey! Why don't you ignore this?"

I've tried.

Whenever he calls me a b*tch, or some other vulgar name, I have a flashback to when we were playing Geometry Dash together, when we went to McDonalds on Fridays, when we walked in the rain on the last day of school.

It's torture.

It's literal torture.

I wish everything could go back to the way they were, but it obviously can't.

I'm happy with what I have. I have a loving boyfriend, amazing friends, a supportive Wattpad community, and a loving family. However, my brain just can't seem to let this first relationship go.

As soon as I think I can ignore him, he'll be nice to me again. Then, the second I begin to trust him, he insults me again. It's an ongoing cycle.

Church was my only escape. Now, it really isn't.

There are *ssholes there too. Even the adults seem to avoid me, because of one mistake I've made.

At least my house is okay. I hide in my room most of the time, so I'm good.

Teenager problems, am I right?

WOAH THIS WAS 934 WORDS!