letters to you。「yoonmin」{COMPLETED} (#wattys2018)

oo74。

continuation:

Yoongi began his story, he told it like a poet who had to read to save their life.

"Jimin, you're not going to believe me.. I understand if you don't, but can you please hear me out? I'm not saying this to you as your doctor, as some grown man, but as Min Yoongi. The boy you loved. The boy you lost. The boy who was never real. The boy who is now in front of you."

"Where is this going? Stop trying to fuck with me.." I couldn't quite latch onto any words, they all seemed so far away and insignificant in this situation.

"Jimin, I promise it's not like that. I.. I've been in your place before, and in fact, I know exactly how you feel." He reached for my hands and held them tightly, but I felt numb. Nothing would make it better. Not what he said, or did, not him. Because I loved him, or whatever he was to me.

"How do you know how I feel? You fucking don't! I couldn't fucking breathe because of you! Days on end, i fucking cried over you! You have no idea how it fucking feels to lose someone who was never even real! And now, I have to process that you are! You don't get it! You never will.."

I was forcing his hands away from me, I wanted to escape, to get away because this was a living hell.

"Jimin! Can you please calm down and let me explain?"

My nose became stuffy, my eyes bloodshot. The rough wails were crawling out of my frail body, suffocating me. I found it hard to breathe properly, i had to regain air. I had to inhale and exhale slowly.

"Just tell me now, or leave."

Silence struck. Then a few moments go by and he starts to speak. Words, sentences, that weren't completely incoherent, but I couldn't fully understand what he was telling me.

"I'll tell you exactly what I told Taehyung. It will be a lot to take in, so please, just listen, don't do anything but listen, and afterwards, tell me what you think. I always want to know what you think.

I was in eleventh grade, as you can imagine, it was a rough year for me. I had to sign up for classes that were essential to my senior year, so I could graduate, and it was all so much. Which is what made my situation even worse. I felt myself change. I wasn't me anymore. I didn't know if it was the stress of getting caught up in school, I truly didn't know at first.

Time after time, however, I'd notice bits and pieces of an image. It was like a puzzle being put together, and finally the picture was formed. I woke up each morning and went to sleep each night with this image stored in my mind. Occupying it at all times, and then my mother began to worry about me.

My grades started to slip and hit rock bottom, and I began speaking with this image, this boy, who was flawless. My mom always said it was no one. That there was no one. But I knew better, because they were right in front of me, they were always with me.

Again and again, he dug his way into my mind, scratching at my head. For godsake, I could hear his heartbeat thumping in my fucking head. It drove me insane at times, but nontheless, he was my truth, my actuality. It wasn't until my senior year, I found out that he was all in my head. An unseen force that wasn't genuine. Or real, I couldn't touch him. I couldn't feel him. I could hear him, I could hear his sweet, honeylike voice, and that was it.

Before I knew, I gained feelings for him. The boy I could only listen to. The boy who sang sweet songs into my ears late at night. The boy I wanted to kiss so dearly, but he always seemed to disappear before I could do so.

But, slowly I realized all my so-called friends were leaving me behind, letting me rot away, letting me to crumble to dust. They didn't want to be seen with the crazy kid, the kid who talked to nothing.

I was confused on to how that was me until my mom had enough of my actions, claiming them to be shenanigans. She took me to see a psychiatrist, one with a degree, one who acted like they cared but only wanted to see what was wrong with me for the money.

And that's when I found out, this boy never did exist. I fell in love with nobody, seemingly a ghost gone with the wind. I was diagnosed with schizophrenia.

I remember falling out of my chair, hitting the cold, tile floor. Crying as my lungs began to burn. My heart sank and I felt sick. The only world I came to appreciate took a drastic turn, it all fell apart that dreaded day.

The boy whom I loved, was only there inside my head. The boy I began to love was a shadow in the mist. The boy I began to love was you, Jimin.

It was you.

And so my time as a teenager grew far more depressing than any time before. In the back of my mind, I still heard your voice telling me not to give up, to keep on going, and I did just that.

They always told me he's not real, get over it, and I knew for a fact they were wrong. In my heart, I felt like there had to be some way you were very well alive.

I researched, it ate me up. I tried to find a picture of you. I gave up everything, sleep, eating, school just to find out who you were, and if you did exist, like I always thought.

And then, there you were. I had found a picture of you, Park Jimin. You existed. Not only in life, but in my heart, you captivated me.

But then, time flew by and I knew that letting go would probably benefit me. As hard as it was, I stopped trying to find you, because i had my answer. You were real.

You never did fully leave my mind. You stayed put, but I went on to college, and then I graduated. Now, I'm the doctor I am right now, and when I found your case, this case, I knew I needed to take it.. It was my only opportunity to see you face to face, feel you, hear you, just to justify everything I've ever felt. And things have not changed.. I still really feel for you, Jimin."

I couldn't fathom this. I didn't understand this. How could we have both imagined each other? How could he have seen me and I seen him?

I sat there, fiddling with my fingers. I felt too many things all at once. I felt anger, sadness, betrayal, happiness, passion, but yet, I felt lonely. And hatred swallowed me whole.

Why did it have to end like this?

。。。

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