I stand at the door patiently waiting, I can't be in the room unless he invites me in, no one can. It makes him uncomfortable and sometimes he starts to seize because of it so I just wait. "B-bed time?" He smile waving me in when he sits on the bed. He has to take all sorts of mess now and the work that goes into accommodating his new needs is incredible, but he's very good at knowing what he needs and getting it on his own. His parents left last week after declaring I had it under control. Which I really hope I do. He's fairly mobile and pretty well self sufficient He does whatever he needs to. He's good at baths and bathroom, and food and water whenever he needs it.
"Cuddles?" I smile.
"I-I thought you'd n-never ask." He's gotten a stutter but his speech is really good. Almost one hundred percent. "H-how was she?" He mumbles laying on my chest. "G-going d-down?" He nods, his stutter scares her so he stays away most nights he'll tell her goodnight when she's nursing or half asleep already.
"She wanted to see you, but she went down well." I lay on top of him kissing his cheek. It's so different now, everything is so much harder. I don't want to piss him off ever and our little girl can't just sit with him whenever she pleases. She has to be all bubbly or asleep because he can't deal with her tears. Not to mention the fact that if she squirms at all he panics and he'll throw her. He doesn't want to hurt her but he doesn't know what else to do.
"I-I wish I c-could p-put her to s-sleep." He pouts a little I move a little but I know he doesn't like it.
"I'm sorry," I mumble standing and walking to the door where I have to ask to be let in again. It's what doctors say I have to do.
"C-can you st-stop doing that?" He groans a little. "W-why do you m-make me f-f-feel so different?" He growls punching the wall and then slamming the door in my face. I don't know if this could ever get easier.
"Goodnight," I whisper against the door. I show him my love regardless, just like I'm told to, everything I do now is doctors orders.
"Go away!" He screams hitting the door.
"I love you," I mumble, I wish things were different. I wish I could cuddle him and move around all I want. I wish our baby girl could cuddle him while she's conscious without getting thrown, he's the light of her life. She misses him and so do I. The bed has become a hospital bed and it sucks. "Hello baby girl," I smile, I can only hear his screams, I hope nothing happens. I'm not allowed in but I can open the door, he won't get mad about that. "I'm sorry, did daddy wake you?" I pout bringing her onto my shoulder. I can hear nothing but his screams, they're deafening. "Let's hope I didn't make him too mad." I couldn't handle another seizure.
"You dumb bitch!" I can hear him yell, I got him a punching bag so he can cool down. He hits the walls, he's hit me a couple of times. He doesn't mean to, but he hits things when he gets mad. He's still my baby and I know he loves me, he just doesn't know how to express anger.
"Should we go visit daddy?" I bounce her softly. She can always calm him down. "Shawn," I push the door open standing with our baby girl in my arms. "Shawn?" I look around and slowly step in, my first mistake.
"Out!" He yells hitting my head I nearly fall but I have to maintain composure so the baby doesn't get hurt. But he's scaring her which brings her to tears.
"Sh," I hum kissing her nose while Shawn finally falls silent.
"Did I-I hurt her?" He turns red of embarrassment.
"No, you scared her that's all." I explain while she squirms and squeals in my arms.
"I-I didn't mean to scare you princess." He looks down at her fiddling with his fingers. "C-can I hold h-her?" He holds his hands out.
"She's squirming a lot I don't know if," he stops me with a pleading look.
"Please?" He takes her softly from my arms and her baby cries are calmed. She stops squirming but when she realizes she's in his arms she gets so excited she kicks and hit all over him. "I-it's ok," he nods at me doing his best to mask the discomfort. He tries distracting himself so he kisses her cheeks and cradled her so she's less mobile.
"Look at that baby girl, daddy got to hold you after all." I smile kissing her cheek and then moving to Shawn's.
"Let's m-make another one."
...
He hasn't been able to get himself up to the task. He wants to do so much and he can't anymore and it's sad. It makes him really upset because he thinks he's acting all different and he gets a little mad. "It's probably a side affect from some of the meds." I explain with a nod kissing him softly. "It's ok, you'll be off of them," he stops me.
"In f-five years." He growls a little mainly at himself. "That's a long t-time." He's done all he can and at this point I don't want to exhaust anymore methods, and I don't want him to cause himself any muscle damage.
"I know baby," I kiss his cheek. "I know." I lay myself on top of him and he shifts trying to cause friction between us in hopes that it's all he needs.
"I-I don't u-understand." He huffs a little. "I-I want this so bad," he moans with frustration. "And y-you don't make it e-easy tor-r-resist." He smiles completely forgetting about his complaints. "Y-you don't deserve th-this." He mumbles flipping so he's on top. "You d-don't have to a-suffer."
