"Shawn," I call looking around the kitchen and then in the rooms. He's in none of them, I can't even let myself get the slightest bit mad, I did this to myself. I was an idiot to think he would be here when I got back. "Shawn?" I call again hopeful that he's upstairs but he's not, I know he isn't. I sit myself at the table and start the kettle pulling out the little bit of paperwork I have yet to complete. I was gonna cuddle him to sleep and do some other work while he slept. I can't do that though, and I understand I just wish he hadn't come in when he did. I was only trying to do a good thing, I wanted to plan a romantic get away for him and me because Valentine's Day is so soon but the travel agent had other plans. The first time it was rape, and I still haven't really completely opened up to the idea. It is more of less rape, except for the last time. The one time Shawn had to see it I wasn't in pain, he wasn't hurting me like he had before. "Shawn?" I smile hopefully while the door slowly creaks open.
"Yes?" His voice is quiet and he looks like such a mess, my poor boy. He carries with him bags and bags of random assorted foods and simply trudges past me.
"Would you like some tea love?" I follow him into our bedroom watching him strip down to nothin and climb into the hot tub.
"Sure," he nods facing the outside playing Netflix movies on his laptop, ignoring the giant tv he placed above the hot tub for occasions like this.
"Can I come and join you after?" I play with his hair getting only a half nod in return. "Alright then, I'll be back soon." I smile kissing his head multiple times. I love him, he knows that. I hope he knows that because he's the love of my life. We have babies together, we have two more on the way and he doesn't get to ignore that.
"I changed my mind," he shakes his head while I pour the water. "I don't want any tea, and you can't join me." His head shakes sternly. He looks so upset and I can't help but feel responsible. It is my fault after all I just wish it wasn't.
"Come here baby we'll talk." I hold my arms out. He just looks so disappointed in me, I don't like this look. I'd prefer him to be yelling at me or something other than this.
"I wanted to talk this morning after drop off, I've never cried so much in my life Cameron and I can never go back to that school again. You'd know why if you were doing work like you said." His whole face falls and more tears fall from his already red puffy sore looking eyes. "I've cried too much over you."
"Come tell me what happened, come lay in my lap and tell my everything." I nod grabbing his hand but only because he can't see me through the tears.
"He called you candy," his head shakes as do his hands. "Only I call you candy." I bring him into our room where he collapses onto the bed.
"It wasn't sex." I beg but he doesn't believe me. He might've if I'd told him sooner, I just didn't wanna ruin my surprise.
"Well it really looked like it." He starts gradually raising his voice, he really doesn't wanna yell at me.
"You're the only person I have sex with, he was raping me." I beg. "I was being rapped and I didn't want to,"
"You went back to the building after he raped you?" His arms wrap around me, I'm lying. I'm using the meek two times he really did rape me to defend the only one he didn't. I can't loose my marriage because I made a dumb decision.
"You didn't want me to go with you." I brush my hands over his head while he kisses my cheek.
"Candy I'm so sorry," he pouts cuddling me with all of the force he has.
"Tell me about your day? You really wanted to talk about it?" I hum and he shakes his head sternly.
"I'm not talking about me when there's something like this happening. I'm calling the police."
...
"Please come home," I beg into the phone leaving my tenth message of the hour. I couldn't let him call the cops, I just wanted to know what was wrong. He's never been so angry and it hurts because he finds it so hard to get mad, after everything we've been through he doesn't get mad anymore. He thanks me and everyone else and he cries over everything but he never gets mad. He didn't even say anything he just walked out. I would've rather he yelled. "Noah's been crying for hours, he needs you bubbles, please come home." Too long I've been waiting too long for him to call me back and I'm starting to think that driving to his parents' house is the only thing I can do.
"Mama," My baby boy cries against my leg. He's so sad, he wanted to make sure his daddy was ok and when he got home his daddy was gone. "Is he coming home yet?" He sniffs slowly trying his best to smile at me in hopes that I'll tell him Shawn's just around the corner.
"No daddy's still working sweetheart," I've told so many lies today, I just need him to believe that all will be alright and that his daddy can come home soon. Shawn knows that this is his home and he can come back whenever he feels is the right time.
"Please make him come home mama, it's almost bed time and I can't go to sleep without a hug." He begs trying not to cry so much, he's just like his daddy. The daddy that I broke, the one that might never come back, the one that I know loves them all endlessly but can't look himself in the mirror anymore because of how much he fears he's let them down.
"Hello?"
