"We fixed it baby, we fixed it." I can hear her mumble while she hugs me kissing my head in tears. "Good, Good you're awake." She smiles while the faint sound of what would've been our wedding song plays. I did everything I could to make it up to her but she didn't want anything to do with it, instead every year we spend our anniversary in a hotel of her choice, sometimes a different country and we spend most of our time dancing to what would've been our wedding song. "Are you feeling ok?" She hums softly with a weak voice. I brush my fingers over her head kissing her cheek to try and offer reassurance. She's always here, every time my eyes open she makes it her mission to be the first thing I see. All I can offer her will never be enough for me to show her how much this means to me. I could be left alone every time I wake up, I could wake up to doctors. But I'm lucky enough to wake up to her every time my eyes open.
"I'm feeling great." I smile while her head falls against mine. She smiles into my hair while she kisses my head. "Even better now that I know you're here." I don't usually remember long before the seizure, but I remember the seizure itself. I remember falling and her poking my collapsed lung, checking my vitals and just about everything else she knows to do but I can't remember after that.
"I could never leave you here by yourself." She hums touching my shoulders and then back. "I love you." She smiles kissing my temple and slowly sinking so she's at eye level and then below.
"No one could not love you." I smile hugging her tight against my body. "But no one loves you like me." I reassure almost, kissing her cheek.
"I like this," she smiles resting her forehead on mine. "The quiet." Her soft sweet lips press against mine. She gives me the moment just to take it all in. "You're here," she smiles furthering the kiss. "God you're here." She mumbles braking the kiss to show me all of the tears that I'd already felt on my own cheeks. She's so emotional, and for me it's a part of the recovery process.
"I'm staying here." I reassure squeezing her while she cries on my shoulder. "For a long long time princess." I hum against her shoulder. I love the nickname. I feel like it tells them how important they are to me, and I would've liked to call Skylar my princess but she won't get near me. I can't call her a pet name to tell her how important she is in my life when she couldn't call the ambulance to help me when I stopped breathing.
"I didn't think you would be," She sighs of relief before she hits my shoulder. She's so bipolar, and I adore it, I've become accustomed to it. "I can't believe you would do that to me again." She leaves me completely weak, she's so beautiful and she becomes so much prettier when she's yelling at me with a smile.
"I love you," I smile initiating another kiss.
"I love you too." She chuckles holding onto my cheeks.
"Awe." Noah giggles clapping his small hands and jumping up and down in excitement. "Mama, daddy!" He runs towards us and hops into my arms laying between the two of us.
"We're gonna bring daddy home soon." She runs her hand over his head. "And everything is gonna be perfect." She smiles.
"Perfect." He nods while I kiss his cheek. He knows he looks different, but he doesn't wanna make himself feel different because he moves differently, or looks different, talks different. He tells us it's his superpower, and all of the kids like him have superpowers.
"Where's Sky baby?" I hum and he pouts.
"She didn't wanna come, she wanted me to tell you that this was too far. But we were so happy." He nuzzles into my chest his mother goes for my shoulder.
"It's ok baby, we can still be happy." I smile squeezing his arm while our doctor walks in. Doctor Stevens, we call her Izzy and she's by far the sweetest.
"You've got lots to be happy about," she smiles at him while he holds out for a hug. He loves hugs and human contact in general. He just likes it, there's no explanation as to why. "Daddy's going home." She smiles at us while she hugs our boy that she's gotten to know so well. She knew him when he was barely there she was the one to confirm the pregnancy, she worked gynaecology while she was pregnant and she helped birth him. She's one of the best people I know and Cameron wanted her more than anything to come and be my doctor but she wanted to continue at the hospital. She understood, she just wishes she'd come.
"Yay." I chuckle at my wife who smiles kissing me softly.
"Who picked you up babe?" She smiles at Noah who makes Izzy listen to his heartbeat just like every time.
"Lovey and avo." He smiles holding his breath making Izzy chuckle. "But nana and papa picked up Skylar." He continues to giggle with her until she gets paged and has to leave him.
"I'll bring the discharge papers when I come back."
...
"Just talk to him." I can hear Cameron beg, she's been pushing her for a half hour to try and make her come to see me.
"Cameron," I sigh walking slowly out the door. "Don't torture her if she doesn't want to see me." I grab my wife's hand kissing it softly. "I'll be in the kitchen." I watch Skylar run into her room and Cameron pout following me instead. She feels too much sympathy and I don't want it right now. Honestly I'd prefer sympathy to the pity I get in the place. She doesn't show me sympathy or any empathy, it's all pity.
"She watched you die Shawn." Her lips press against my back. "Give her some time." She nods and I roll my eyes at her, giving her a playful shove.
"You're the one that was trying to make her talk to me." I chuckle lifting her up and onto the counter. "She doesn't have to." I hum kissing her shoulders while I leave the kettle to boil.
"I wish she would." Cam sighs running her fingers through my hair. "I just wish she would be that five year old girl that giggles every time her daddy said her name, the one that would laugh every time you called my princess and tell you that you mixed up our names." I miss that little girl too. She was such a joy, the sweetest little thing. She had a smile permanently implanted on her face and a voice that only sung happy thoughts. Now she's all dark and gloomy, angry about everything and I can't do one thing right when it comes to parenting her. No one hates me as much as my daughter.
"Or when she used to snort when she laughed so hard at something?" I smile earning myself a sigh from my wife.
"She still does that baby, at dinner almost every night how could you not." She pauses and then looks to her feet.
"I wish I could eat dinner with you." I smile at the thought. "I imagine it, every night when I sit at the lonely dinner table to eat the cold meal that I know you worked hard on." I run my thumbs over the backs of her hands. "I can picture Noah sitting in his high chair throwing peas at you while Skylar tried to sit in a grown up chair, she couldn't ever see over the table though because she was so small so we had to put her back in the booster." I laugh to myself looking at the dark table suddenly light up by the memory I hold.
"That's the last memory you have?" I give her a sad nod, it's not the answer I want either. I wish I could remember a more recent dinner, but I don't get to attend those. I would just tell her to suck it up, but she's not very good with anything I say. She takes it all as personal attacks and I don't ever mean to, that's why I don't talk to her unless I'm being as kind as I possibly can.
"She was six," I smile looking at the table, I can see her little head pointing upwards so she would see over the table see what her mama was doing and why all of these peas were on the ground.
"That was four years ago baby." She kisses my head and sighs, the whistle of the kettle pulls me away for a moment so I can collect myself again. "I'll go wait in our room." She smiles kissing my head. "Don't be long."
"Five minutes." I smile mixing the tea but watching, it's as if I can see her little hand grasp the spoon spinning the liquid in circles and circles until she thought it was done. "I'd give anything for five more minutes."
