How to Irk a Reader as a Writer

Elementary, dear Watson

Maybe it's the teacher in me that gets riled up.  Maybe it's the proofreader/copyeditor in me that goes apeshit.  I have yet to put a finger to it.

Mistakes that an elementary school kid would make really grate my nerves.

Homophones and contractions.  They are taught 3rd-8th grade.  There is no fucking reason to keep mixing them up. 

there/their/they're -location vs plural possession vs contraction they are (put the box over there/that is their car/they're going to the movies)

you're/your - contraction you are vs possession (you're going to the mall/where is your key)

hear/here-to be able to process sound vs a location (i can hear you fine/put the candy over here)

to/two/too- direction vs a number vs also ( i am going to the store/I have two brothers/ I am going to the store too.)

it's/its - contraction it is vs possessive (that is its toy)

break/brake - to destroy something or take a vacation from vs to stop suddenly or something used to slow something down

our/are- plural possessive (we own something this is ours) vs a form of to be 

bear/bare - an animal or to have patience vs to be naked or exposed

aloud/allowed- out loud vs permission to do something

Doing it once or twice-I get it.  Repeatedly throughout your whole freaking story is just....GAH!

In fourth and fifth grade I taught my students sentence structure.  Subject/verb.  Then we got fancy and added adjectives/adverbs, prepositions, direct/indirect objects, independent and dependent clauses tailoring their writing into something more sophisticated and interesting.  By the time I was done, they could write compound-complex sentences and 8th grade quality essays.  

Basic one sentence paragraphs?  What are you doing?  Who teach you English? (yes, it's grammatically incorrect on purpose)

And I can tell lot of us must have seen/used/been taught the same writer's workshop material.  Let me tell you.  Sooooooo many stories end up with the character introducing themselves and giving a blurb about themselves.  (blah blah blah, I'm blah blah, and this is my life/story.)

Let me just say, you don't have to do that.  Let other characters introduce your character.  Let their shitty life be introduced in dreams/flashbacks/conversations.  Descriptions can be brought out later when they look in the mirror or put on clothes ( I ran a brush through my short brown hair thinking I need a haircut vs Hi, I'm Turkey Turner and I am 5'6 with brown hair and green eyes).  

Whenever I read, "Hi, my name is boop boop be doo" I immediately start singing, "Hi, my name is what, my name is who, my name is Slim Shady."

I don't really consider myself a grammar nazi unless work related.  I don't pick other people's works to death due to some inflated sense of English Language superiority.  Cuz hell, I make mistakes too.  Sometimes I'm just lazy when I type.  Sometimes my brain goes faster than my fingers on the keyboard and I forget or mess up something.  Sometimes I don't catch it.  

That's why we all need another set of eyes on our work.  That's why I always tell people to call me out on my mistakes.  I'm not a snowflake.  I won't melt.  By putting my stuff on wattpad I have put myself out there for criticism or praise and I'm fully ready for it - good or bad.

*http://www.softschools.com/examples/grammar/compound_complex_sentences_examples/441/

**http://www.scholastic.com/parents/blogs/scholastic-parents-raise-reader/top-20-most-commonly-confused-homophones