Saved by Gaga

{12}

After about 5 minutes of searching Joanne found the weighing scales. She really did not know where they were.

"Millie I'm going to blind fold you so you can't see how much you weigh but i will look it up and see if you are under or over for your height. How tall are you Mills?" Joanne says carefully.

"Erm I'm 1 meter and 60 cm's." I reply hesitantly.

She makes me stand on the scales and i decide not to be difficult and just do it. Then Joanne puts a sleep mask over my eyes and turns the scales on. I laugh slightly at home it's come to this. Being blindfold at Lady Gaga's house to just be weighed. She doesn't take the eye mask off until she has turned off the scales. She looks at me with eyes that contain a hundred different emotions. I think some of it was worry, some love, some pity, some caring and the others were a mystery but were for sure there still. She types in her phone, quickly, and looks up at me.

"Millie, look your quite under weight if this carries on then you are seriously going to suffer. And not just lightly we need to fix this. Together." she looks worried and determined.

"Ok." I say back meekly. I already knew I was under weight and I know its not too bad but its still under. 

I obviously look slightly worried or ashamed or something, because for once I don't feel like hiding what I feel. Joanne pulls me into a hug and just holds me there for a bit. She doesn't need any words at this moment in time.

We go to the kitchen and Joanne asks me what i want to eat for dinner. Apparently it can be anything but preferably not vegetables because she knows that will be my tactic for getting the least calories in me, which is not what I need. I know she is going to make me eat so there is no point me not saying anything. I think back to what i used to like eating. I decide on pasta. So we make pasta, Joanne is happy because her roots of being Italian are here and she used to make this with her parents. She said we could make our own but then we decided against it because it was late and i knew inside i could not eat all of it so it might have been wasted. Sometimes just the smallest thing triggers you not being able to eat something, like someone was telling me that carbs are basically going into sugar, which is true. But it also meant I stopped eating pasta and a few other things. Really not very fun.

"No don't add butter that's just calories Joanne! " I say as she puts a knife full of butter into the pasta.

"Yes Millie. Its what you need and also this will make it taste much better its a win win." she reply's. I just don't know how to deal with this. I convince myself it will be fine and I'm right.

We take the pasta that now has crème fresh and cheese on to the living room to eat it in there. The kitchen table is too formal.  We put a mix of 80's on in the background. Old music is amazing and we can both agree on that. I do take a mouthful of food at first and then i just swirl it around my plate. Joanne notices this and decides to ask me more about how I got here.

"Millie how did this happen. Did your Mum and Dad not notice at all? And your friends at school must have seen. Come on tell me about it all, but first i want half the pasta gone at the very least." she says the last bit with some authority.

I decide the easiest thing would be to eat half of the pasta. So i do. Its hard but once i have eaten a few forkfuls of pasta i get used to ignoring how many calories are in it. I managed to eat just under half and then i feel quite sick.

"Ok that's it. I feel sick now. I cant deal with anymore of it." I keep talking to prevent her from making me eat more. "Erm, well first of all no one noticed because at home i have to feed myself, do all my own meals and that so i just would eat very little or something of low calorie amounts and no one would be that bothered. I would just say i ate it upstairs and then washed up before they saw. At school i eat a bit. Just whatever passes for a bit of food. As long as i bought something my friends would be too caught up in the laugh we were having to notice. On bad days when I eat nothing they do ask a bit. But i just tell them that i ate a big breakfast and that i don't not eat that much normally anyway so it's never strange. Really i wasn't over weight when i stopped eating but i wasn't happy. I am not really interested in Victoria's *not so* secrets or how any of them look. I just couldn't stand the though of having any weight and then it just got worst." I said as i gushed over with words.

Joanne just held me and said that one day it will all be over and on that day when i could eat a plate of pasta she would be there right with me to celebrate. This time i was not crying just wishing that it was easier and I hadn't got here.

We decided that i would probably need to borrow some PJs so we went and dug out some of hers. I was about the same height as her so they fitted quite well. A blue button down shirt which i tied in a knot at the bottom with a pair of bed shorts. I got dressed and so did she.

"You're really pretty Millie. Not even just saying that you are." Joanne says. I smile sadly and tilt my head slightly, Joanne just laughs.

We move back to the sofa to watch a movie or whatever else on Netflix. She can see my writs on show as I look at my phone and she must have seen the scratches as she starts to question.