Saved by Gaga

{38}

I wake up and turn over expecting to find Joanne lying next to me, but this was not the case. I realise where i am and that she probably just got up before me. I get up and take my hair up into a messy bun, pull on a hoody from Jo's suitcase and head downstairs to see who was up. My phone tells me that i have a message from the group chat Isa, Ella and Liz  are on. Two people in the form had started dating and they were informing me. They were also checking to see if i got here fine. There is one from Jane who was checking the same. I decide to reply to them all later. I look at the time and its 9 o'clock. I am about to walk into the kitchen when i over hear the conversation. I can't help but listen in.  I can see though the crack in the door that Joanne and Natali are sat with mugs of coffee on the sofa talking quietly.

"I don't know though. I abandoned her. What's to tell her that i will not do the same again? She must feel like no one wants her. I just don't know how to make it up to her. I left her Natali, with horrible people." Joanne is saying in a moment of doubt.

"Stefani stop with the stupid thoughts. This is not something you have to make up for. Because you can't. You literally just can not so therefore you don't have to do it. When you gave her up to her adopted parents you never knew how they would end up treating her. In life some people just don't get on, this was one of the times. And anyway Millie is a little monster, she knows you want her just though that. Stop with the self destruction." says Natali.

"Ugh! I wish i never did this DNA test because then the stupid past would not be playing its part and i would just have Millie." This is really getting to Joanne.

"Stefani, you do not wish that. You know you don't. You are over joyed that you don't have to worry about what was happing to your little girl without you. You never stopped caring. Even when you drank to forget you still cared but it was at the back of your head." says Natali going to refill her coffee.

"I never forgot. When i used to sing dope at Artrave i used to sing it for her. That song is about her. It has the alcohol in it because i used that to forget." says Joanne.

At this I go back upstairs and find a pair of really sharp sowing scissors. I take them to my arm and make several cuts. The sting that you have to wait a few seconds for and then the red lines calm me. I cut for Joanne's pain, i cut for what i did to her, i cut because when i go back downstairs i am going to be strong for her. What a mess.

I stop again before i get into the kitchen to see what was happening. Joanne and Natali are still sat there with mugs of coffee. Not talking this time though. I walk in and sit next to Joanne. I whisper in her ear 'i love you. And i need you too.' I don't care if she knows i heard the conversation earlier. Its what she needs to hear and its no word of a lie. She asks me if i am ok and i say yes for her sake. Really i am trying to swim in the love i am not used to and the confusion i have been thrown into. I know she is swimming in the confusion too so it's ok. I touch my wrists because they still sting and i want to rub them. This was a mistake. Joanne sees and now of course wants to know what's there. She gives me a look. Natali oh so conveniently says she is going to get a shower before breakfast and that maybe it will wake her parents up. This leaves Joanne, I and the subject of my wrists.

"What's on your arms?" she asks looking at where her jumper is covering up.

"Nothing i just had to scratch my arm." i say as a matter of fact and proably rather coldly.

"Ok well if its nothing you won't mind if i have a look." she lifts the sleeve of her jumper up and sees what i just did. "Millie, what did you do this with? These were not there last night." she asks.

I look at her sheepishly "Well, there is some sowing scissors in your draw." i confess. She pulls me into a hug and holds me there. After a couple of minutes she stars to talk again.

"Come with me i have something to show you." she says and leads me up to her old room, the room in which we stayed last night.

She takes out the scissors from the drawer and puts them to her wrist. I start to say 'Joanne no! Don't you will hurt yourself.' But she carries on and makes a few cuts on her wrist. It was so hard to watch. She puts on her acting and flinches slightly as well. It was actually hell to watch someone you loved hurt themselves.

"You know how hard it was for you to watch me do that Millie?" i nod "Well that's what it's like whenever i see the new cuts on your wrists." she states.

"I'm sorry." i whisper into her as she holds me.

"I know baby, its ok. But you talk to me about everything that makes you want to do this. What triggered this this morning, A?" she said. I just shrug my shoulders. "Hang on wait. You can into the kitchen this morning and said 'i love you. And i need you too'. No! Millie did you hear the conversation Natali and I had this morning?" I just sit there. "Omg Millie. You shouldn't have heard that. And you should have come and talked to me about it." she says. 

"I caused you a lot of pain. And then i helped fuel the alcohol. I don't know i cut because you were hurting. I just did ok?" i said. I didn't expect her to answer that question.

"No Mils not ok. I was not hurting i was lost. I was in a moment of loss for the world and Natali was helping me. No more sharp objects." she looks me dead in the eye.