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{27}

Once we get home Joanne asks me something out of the blue. And to quote Adele completely uninvited too. I suppose questions are a normal thing in a parental relationship?

"Millie, i know you just woke up but i cant do anything without asking you. Whilst i had to undress you to put you in that hospital robe, they tried to do it so be lucky i did, there are scars on your arms still. They are not the days old they should be Mills." she says looking me in the eye making me want to hide my face.

"What are there? Why are they not healing?" i say so innocently because sometimes it works but i know all ready she can see straight though it. I don't know why i bothered. It takes a few moments of her looking me in the eye before I realise the extent of what she knows, and then also how this means there will be more regulations to stop me doing this. I cover my face to at least try and block out the reality of me loosing something I have been clinging to for the growing years of my life.

"Millie don't you ask me in the tone why they are still there. I may have been born this way but i was not born yesterday. Why are you still doing it?" Joanne asks sighing unblamably.

"I don't know. I am happy with you but its a addiction to start with and also just because i am happy does not mean i don't feel like a failure. My own parents did not want me. A part of that does make you feel like a failure no matter how much anyone else wants you. There is still a high level of self hatred involved i think. It's hard to shake off." i confess. "but i know we are going to work on this together and it will be ok. It was just a slip." I just breathe in to pull myself away from the point of falling to pieces and ruining a lot of things. Everyone is broken and everyone ignores it."Now please lets get you to bed because you are so tired. I know how to look after myself. Now its you that needs help because you have worn yourself down with worry." i say back coming back to my normal mentality that is not awash with emotions.

"Ok that a good idea. But first you have to give me now whatever you do this with and then you have to promise to tell me whenever you want to do this. I know its hard but these are the first steps. After that i will sleep as long as you are next to me. You being higher than hope is not the best idea love."

I hand her my razors all 5 of them. Got to be honest she had to literally interrogate me to find the 5th one because i wanted to keep one back. It was just the safety of keeping something. I did give it up though, i needed to give it all up for Joanne's sake more than mine. I could get another easy and this was a start i couldn't do anything at the moment. The main thing on my mind is just getting her to look after herself and get some sleep. She has art to make and I've messed that up at the moment. Being in this mind set is good for me at the moment as long as me looking after Joanne means I have do look after myself to do that.

The both of us get ready for bed; even though I've slept for days I'm still pretty knocked out by the drugs. She curls up next to me in her bed while I stroke her hair making her fall straight to sleep. Once i was sure me talking was not going to wake her i connected the headphones to her phone and start calling people. I know that even know I'm tired as hell it'll be better if I've done this for Joanne so it's one less thing off the list of things to do for Joanne. First Florence.

Writers note: it took awhile to get into this story so thank you so much if you read to here i love you so much. this has actually got some decent amount of reads thank you xoxo