Saved by Gaga

{39}

We all sit at the table for breakfast. Joanne and i have made it this morning whilst everyone else was getting up and ready. This lead to us still being in our PJ's as well. We sat down to eat and chat happily. I had made and taught Joanne how to make a full English breakfast and everyone seems to be enjoying it. I was enjoying watching everyone else eat it but i was not. The thought was making me sick this morning. I had eaten a lot the last few days and now i could not eat this.

"Come on Millie its amazing tuck in." says Natali having no idea of how hard it was.

I try and eat some of the bacon. I manage 3 mouthfuls and Joanne looks happy. She nods for me to carry on but i really can't. I can't.

"Excuse me i have to go." i say in a rush as i head to the bathroom. My body wants to reject whatever i have just eaten. I don't force myself i just am sick and i can't help it. Of course there is nothing there to come up just the acid burning my throat. I sit with my back to the door. I don't want to go back until they have cleared the food from the table. I don't want to look at it today. Of course this is so unrealistic but a girl can dream right? I heard Joanne knock on the door.

"Millie honey can i come in please." I shuffle out of the way of the door and she comes in with a glass of water.

"Here you go love. You really need to eat something, please. You ate yesterday but not much." she says worried.

"I ate 3 meals Joanne. That is plenty i can't even look at it all today." i say back.

"Millie you don't want to hear this but its all in your head. Your body is shouting out for food but your brain is rejecting it all. You need to come back to the table and try and eat something please."

"I can't. And now i have made a mess of it all in front of your parents." i say on the brink of tears.

"Millie they don't care. They will understand. We will sit at the table together and get some food into you ok?" its a one answer question.

She leads me to the table. I pull away. She pulls me back. I say sorry to Joanne's parents and they say its fine and not to bother worrying in their New York way. Everyone starts to get up and move around me to give me some space. Joanne puts some food on my plate before it is cleared up. One sausage, one ration of bacon and a slice of toast. I use my fork to push it around. Joanne takes my cutlery from me and cuts up my sausage and puts a bit on my fork. She hands it back to me. I put it in my mouth and hold it there. She tells me to chew it and swallow it. I have nothing else to do with it so i do. We do the whole of breakfast like this until there is nothing left on my plate. 'thank you Millie. Breakfast done' she tells me.

What a relapse... I was doing so well.