Monday 8th September
She had fallen asleep on me this time. She looked so peaceful. Her head rested on my lap, whilst i finished the last piece of pizza, before placing the box on the floor. I twirled my fingers around the little strands of hair that had fallen out of her bun. She looked so beautiful. And trust me when i say, i have never felt like this before. I don't know what is was about Charlotte. She's just so...so... I don't know. I don't know what it is about her, like, only the other day she was yelling at me to leave and now she's fast asleep, cuddled up on my lap... Everything she does makes me want her even more. Even when she started crying in Breakfast At Tiffany's, and no it wasn't even the sad part and i asked her why she was crying and she said, and i quote; "Holly is just so perfect for Paul but she doesn't realise it. And when she's sitting on the windowsill and she's singing Moon river, and Paul is standing at his apartment watching her, completely adoring her, completely in love with this call girl that he shouldn't have fallen for but he did. And she doesn't even know. She's just so oblivious to his complete and utter admiration towards her. And that makes me cry because everyone in the world needs someone, and she found hers, but she still chooses everyone else over her one true love."
Deep i know. And i wasn't really paying attention in this movie, i only put it in because she wanted to watch it. But when she explained to me about Paul and Holly and the whole story, i couldn't help but relate. Me being Paul of course... But the way Paul is completely unaware thats he's fallen so incredibly hard for a girl he hardly knows, for a girl who has no experience in love, nor does she want any experience in love, because she's so damn scared of the consequences. And even after everything, he always finds himself wanting her more. But there was something... even more...about this moment right now. It felt like it was fading fast... Like any moment now everything was going to fade away, and none of this would be real. Of course that wasn't the case. But i felt as if i needed to treasure this moment. I just wanted to make it last. But I had a choice.... either way she's going to get hurt... And i don't want her to get hurt, especially by me. I can't hurt anymore people. I can't keep up this stupid 'douche bag' (as Charlotte would say) act for much longer. I hate being so horrible to everybody. But thats what they like. Nobody liked the, geeky, self conscious, nerd that was the old Calum hood. Everyone seems to like the, douchey, idiotic, dick Calum... And i can't disappoint the fans... Even when they expect so little from me. They know what I'm like, and they've learnt to accept that they won't get any more from me... I kind of hate it though. I just want to be myself, but i feel like if i do be myself then everyone's going to hate me...ugh. Why does this have to be so difficult to do. I carefully pulled my phone out of my pocket before unlocking it. I quickly went onto my messages and clicked on Ashton's name. I never used to come to Ashton for help, it always used to be Luke or even sometimes Mike. But i don't know... Luke's been kind of weird with me lately, and Mike is a bit harsh about these sort of situations. I shook the thoughts out of my head before texting Ashton.
To Ash:
'I'm in too deep. I don't want to hurt her by leaving. But if i stay i know I'll eventually hurt her anyway. HELP.'
I sent the message and got an almost instant reply.
From Ash:
'Since when have you cared about anyones feelings? We all know you're going to hurt her, its what you do. I stopped trying to help you when you became a dick.'
He replied as i sighed in response. He was right. All the boys tried to reach out to me but i pushed them away.
To Ash:
'Great advice.'
I sent it and waited for a reply but it never came. I guess he doesn't really care... I'm not surprised that they gave up on me, I know i'm a dick but i just say shit on instinct now. It going to take a lot to get myself out of this. I sighed and looked down at Charlotte. Her bun was loose, allowing stay hairs to fall softly of her face. Her eyelids fluttered shut so her usual bright green eyes were no longer showing. Her long eyelashes lay lightly on her face. She looked so innocent. I couldn't hurt her. She doesn't want somebody like me. She'll find someone who'll take care of her. She'll find someone thats not....me. I will only do her damage...I carefully lifted her head, successfully not waking her. I climbed out of the bed and rested her head back on her pillow. I took in her appearance so i would remember her like she was right at this very moment. I then leaned down and kissed her cheek before sending her a quick text so she would read in when she woke up. I sighed, before turning and walking away as quick as possible so i didn't have any second thoughts. I reached her front door and pulled it open, walked out and closed the door quietly behind me, not planning on coming back anytime soon.
---------------------------------------------
