Sunday 2nd August
"Calum's here again." Will pushed open my bedroom door, letting a stream of light shine into my dark bedroom. I sat on my bed, hugging my knees as i shook my head. He only sighed before entering my room and walking over to me. He sat beside me on my bed and opened up his arms. Without hesitation, i shuffled into his arms, holding back the tears that's were threatening to fall. He wrapped his arms securely around my shoulders as he placed a kiss on my head. I took in a shaky breath and tightened my eyes shut.
"Hey, i don't know what the arsehole did but i think you should talk to him, Charlie." He whispered as he continued to cradle me. I nodded because he was right. It had been a week and i came to the conclusion on Wednesday that i was completely over reacting. It was such a stupid incident. But i guess i just convinced myself that i should give myself some time to cool down, which is totally idiotic as I'm not even angry or upset anymore and the only reason i feel like crying is because i miss Calum. And that annoys the hell out of me. I hate that when we argue, and i end up pushing away the original cause of our argument and forgiving him just because i can't handle being away from him.
I hate myself for being the exact person i was scared of becoming. I am now, the girl that fell in love with a guy too quickly. I am now, the girl who is so dependant on her boyfriend that she can't stand being away from him. I became one of those girls that I always hated. The ones who are controlled by love.
I remember telling Calum about this, and of course his response was highly logical and completely accurate. But that doesn't mean that i don't feel things too. It doesn't mean i don't have my own opinion on the subject. And i do. Well... I did. Not so much anymore. I mean, i haven't really stopped and taken the time to think about how much things have changed.
I can't believe that just over 9 months ago, i hated Calum so much it pained me. And now, 9 months later, i love him so much that it pains me. I never wanted things to be this way. I never wanted to fall in love. Well not yet at least. I mean, i thought i still had a good few years before i could fall in love. I'm only 18, almost 19, and i'm talking about being crazily in love with a boy i met 9 months ago. I mean, 9 months ago i would have laughed at the thought of having a boyfriend and being in love, because that was simply not what i wanted. And i'm not sure if its what i want now either. Because as much as i convince myself that i'm okay with being Calum's girlfriend, and being in love with him. I'm not so certain that i am okay with it. That's not me saying i don't love him, because i do, i love him a lot. I'm just nervous... scared even. I think its because that i keep thinking that at any moment Calum is going to get up and leave. I'm scared hes just going to leave without a care about me. I mean, I know Calum's not a jerk anymore or anything, but that doesn't mean there's no chance of it happening. He's done it before. I don't see why he wouldn't do it again. And besides, there's always that risk in every relationship.
"Do you want me to let him in?" Will asked, causing me to snap from my thoughts. I didn't answer, i only pulled away from his hug and looked down at my hands as i began to play with my fingers (wishing they were Calum's).
"I'm scared." I whispered so quietly that it was barely above a whisper.
"Charlie." Will sighed a little. "I feel like i'm playing the over protective brother part by saying this, but you need to hear it." he paused as he placed a finger under my chin and lifted my head so i was looking at him. "you're always going to have shit in your life that is going to scare you. But you can't chicken out, especially when it comes to something as special as this,
You need to understand that it doesn't matter if you're scared. You have to get on with your life just like everyone else,
You have someone who really cares about you waiting in your damn living room right now, and you are sat in here on the verge of crying because you miss him, baby, he's in the other room!
You need to stop procrastinating and over thinking the situation and just go and fuck shit up. That's what life is about. Messing up and learning from your mistakes. But Charlie you're not living, you're surviving. And in order to live, you need to trust that Calum cares a lot about you, and i know you care about him too, and the only bloody thing that is stopping the two of you being happily in love is yourselves! You need to stop arguing and remind yourselves of the reasons you fell in love with each other in the first place because otherwise, neither of you are going to be able to experience the true feelings and happiness that come along with being in love." He pleaded, standing up and waving his arms about as he tried to get his point across. But he didn't need to say anymore. He'd made his point clear enough and i knew exactly what i needed to do.
Forgive and forget.
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