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A. OPENING
Prologue
It seems impressive by the way the sentences are constructed. But if I am the kind of reader who relies on the first few lines on whether to put down a book or not, then I would have discarded this one. Honestly, I had a hard time understanding it.
Let's take these sentences as an example:
The humid air and the small laughter of stellars caused the female to squirm from her deep slumber.
By stellar, you mean stars? Is it the stars that are laughing?
Tired from a late night raid, two lilac orbs gazed upon the horizon.
Do you mean there are two orbs staring at the horizon? Or, there are two orbs hovering in the sky/ hovering on the horizon?
This is fantasy, so I'm not sure if I should take the meaning of these sentences figuratively or literally. It's also possible that these sentences are just badly written.
Note: The word stellar is only defined at the end of the prologue (quite different from the real definition which is 'like a star'). It's better to define this when it was first mentioned in the book. Nakaka-confuse kasi. Akala ko parang tao na rin 'tong mga heavenly body na nakakakilos at nakakapagsalita.
Chapter 1
Info dump at the beginning of the chapter.
B. CONFLICT
Could have been better if some scenes are properly laid down.
C. PLOT
Well-defined.
D. SETTING
Fine, but some names are confusing because they sounded alike.
E. CHARACTERIZATION
Safira – masyadong pabida. Feeling ko, she doesn't want to share the limelight.
Ero –He led many battles to victory and yet he let Safira (disguised as a young man) take the lead when confronted with Aruma's group. It's not consistent with his character. Kapag commander ka, you always take the lead. Pero dito, he just stood on the sidelines and watched Safira with amusement. Bading ba siya?
Four Kings –Negligent. They are not aware that there's only one Afir guarding the outside wall of their kingdom. Hari ba talaga sila?
Confusing 'yong mga names. Hirap tandaan, magkakatunog kasi. Like - Aruma, Azura, Ryuhei, Kuhei, Zabrei, etc.
