avengers imagines smut/fluff/angst

i'd never leave you (pp)

(warnings- self harm, death)

the bright light of my laptop reflected off my face as i sat in the dark. c'mon y/n this assignment is due tomorrow i thought as i stared at the screen. id written two words- my name. my eyes moved to the clock. 4:18 am. i rubbed my eyes, feeling the heavy bags beneath them. scraping my hair out of my face, i sighed loudly. it had been two weeks, two weeks of pain, torture and loneliness. two weeks since everything went wrong.
••••
flashback...
i fiddled with my food, twisting the spaghetti around my fork. "don't play with your food y/n. eat it please." my dad frowned. my mind was else where. my boyfriend, peter parker, hadn't contacted me in a several hours and i was starting to get worried. not because i was a clingy girlfriend that needed to know his every move, but because he was Spiderman who got himself into all sorts of trouble. i remember when he first dropped the bombshell a few months into a relationship, that was two years ago now. ever since then id made him promise to text me that he was okay. i couldn't lose him, i was nothing without him. i snapped back into reality as my father waved his hand in front of my face. "sorry dad, i'm just..." i trailed off as my eyes moved to the tv screen behind my fathers head. the words were as clear as day. "NEIGHBOURHOOD HERO SPIDERMAN BELIEVED MISSING OR DEAD". all breath left my body. my hand clapped over my mouth to prevent the scream i felt coming. i stumbled to the remote, turning up the volume and ignoring my dads calls. "Neighbourhood hero Spiderman was trapped in a burning building, set alight whilst he was fighting known villain *villain name* by one of their companions. as the building collapsed onto him, Spiderman is believed to be dead or missing after many fans waited outside the building to see if their favourite superhero rose from the ashes. we have karen down there now checking in. hello karen" i took in every word. my knees buckled and i collapsed to the floor, a whimpering wreck. my sobs echoed around my entire house. i gasped, struggling to breathe through my tears, yet still refusing to believe it was true. he couldn't be dead, i wouldn't allow him to be dead. this is peter, i told myself, stubborn, determined and passionate peter. my peter. my peter.
••••
using the arm of my sweater, i wiped away my tears. i was numb to the pain, i had decided not to let it in. i looked at myself in the mirror. i looked dead. my h/c hair was limp and greasy, my e/c eyes were faded and distant. my entire face was sunken and grey. i wasn't living, i was surviving- on the edge of letting go. it had been two weeks of tears, pain, leaving school early, no sleep etc. all the symbols of grief and mourning. the one side effect i hadn't expected was my craving to join him. bad habits from my past had started again. i stared at the scars on my wrists, both old and new. it was peter who had pulled me out of that dark place and without him, i was being drawn back in. slowly, bit by bit, i was taking myself away to him. peter wasn't just my boyfriend, he was my best friend, my rock, my whole support system and in whole truth, i didn't want to live without him. i was told that i was young, id move on, find someone new. but peter and i, we were so deeply in love. i couldn't see myself with any one else. or without him full-stop. i walked over to my bathroom sink and opened the cupboard, pulling out my chosen weapon. physical pain to mask mental pain. i looked at myself in the mirror, tears streaming once again. in the background i saw his face. his deep brown eyes looking at me, disappointed. his curly brown hair matted with rain and mud. his perfectly shaped lips curved into a frown. "y/n stop this" i could even hear his voice. i felt an arm on my shoulder and turned around, expecting it to be my dad. it was peter, pulling me into his chest and kissing my head repeatedly. i dropped the razor onto the floor. "p-peter? peter? peter!" i stammered, shouting. he tried to pull me in but i pushed him away. "where? where have you been? i thought you were dead. i- i" i sobbed incessantly, shoving him in the chest with every cry. "its okay, its okay. i'm here now baby, just let me explain. its okay, i'm here" he overpowered me and pulled me in again, this time not letting go. i relaxed into his embrace, anger still bubbling through my body. he sat on the bed, pulling me with him. "theres this guy, he creates weapons and stuff. i tried to stop him and be a hero but i wasn't strong enough, he threatened me and said unless i "die" he would come after you, and may, and ned. everyone i love and care about. i couldn't let that happen so i went to mr stark and he helped me get rid of them. they had spies and even a chip in your phone that told them if id contacted you. they had to believe i was dead for this to work. i was doing it to protect you" his bottom lip trembled as he spoke. he took my hands in his and kissed them softly. then he rolled up the sleeves. i tried desperately to cover it but failed miserably. "y/n. i'm so sorry. i'm so so sorry. this is my fault. i should've, i could've-" his voice wobbled with every shaky word. "pete. you're here now. you're with me. thats all i can ask for. so yeah, i slipped back down, but you can help me. you will help me, like you always do. because you love me and i love you. more than anything" i smiled through my tears. "i love you. i'd never leave you" he kissed my head softly.