Mindscape

Haaaaaaaaaaaa im sorry

Sorry! My goodness it's been quite a while since I've been on! This past semester has been pretty busy and I just couldn't find the time to do much of anything aside from school work. I finished out with a 4.0 for the semester, and lord that took some work. I only took four classes this semester, but two of them were upper level and one just had a lot of writing, so those took up a lot of my time.

Medieval Europe was bomb, and the professor was hilarious, but it was definitely the most difficult when it came time for tests. World War 2 was kind of difficult, but I'm pretty familiar with the subject matter, so it wasn't too bad. Women's history had a lot of writing, but the instructor is so tedious, and though she provides an outline for us to write notes on, she jumps around a lot and it was a little annoying. I took a sign language class, and it was probably my favorite class. I desperately wish there was more than one class for it though. All I have to move forward is the book we used, but some of the signs are out of date, and the little instructional pictures for the signs are difficult to figure out what they're doing.

So I've been seeing my counselor since last fall, and it's been going great! We've really made some breakthroughs, and I'm pretty proud of how far I've come. I'm generally happier now. Granted, I still have my depressive moments, but having someone to talk to about it, along with having friends that sympathize and are available to distract me, has really helped me.

One of the big things that I talked to my counselor about was school. Last fall I realized that I wasn't happy with what I was doing, and this past semester I decided to change my major from History to General Studies, so that I can take different classes in an attempt to figure out what I want to do with my life. I've also kind of decided on a backup plan for if I don't figure it out. I took agriculture classes in high school, and I'm pretty good at welding, so if all else fails, I can go to a trade school for welding and just get a job in that until I figure something else out. I haven't talked to my parents yet, but I feel like it's not a bad plan since they want me to stay in school so I can still be on their insurance until I turn 23 anyway. I'm gonna talk to my bro and see what he thinks first though, he's my usual sounding board and he pretty much knows how our parents think at this point.

I'm in the slow multi-day process of cleaning out my whole room and getting rid of clothes that don't fit or I don't really wear and cleaning everything top to bottom. I'm going through all my old soccer stuff and having ANXIETY about it. I'm switching between steeling my nerves and having a mild anxiety attack, but listening to music is helping, aside from nearly deafening myself listening to Imagine Dragon's Amsterdam (such a lit song). It's been three years since I stopped playing, and aside from that one time last year that I had a bad depression episode focusing on it, I try not to think about it too much. I haven't talked to my counselor about it, so maybe that's a thing to do next semester.

But aside from all that, I have some news. We're getting out of the inflatable business for one, partly because my dad is tired of it and needs to stop for the sake of his health, and mostly because he's getting a new job that has him home for two weeks and out of town every two weeks, and we don't have anybody to deliver the units so we're in the process of getting out. I'm pumped, because honestly it sucked and 10/10 don't recommend working with inflatables. Also, we're eventually moving closer to my grandpa. We're in the process of buying some land, and we're hoping to build a house on it. Nothing's final yet, but it should be soon, like hopefully some time thing year.

Alrighty, it's been a few hours, and now my anxiety back but about something else. It's bedtime, and I do not want to sleep. See, sleep and I haven't exactly been the best of friends for the last few years, and I never quite understood why. My mom thinks I have restless leg syndrome, and I'm starting to think she's right. I'm not officially diagnosed, but I have all the symptoms, and not like, "oh that happens sometimes, but I'm just gonna tell my doctors it happens all the time or they won't do anything about it" like legit, "this is going on every time I try to sleep and it's deeply affecting my ability to sleep properly" kind of symptoms. Idk if I'm gonna go to the doctor about it, but the usual methods of knocking myself out (staying up late in an attempt to exhaust myself into sleep or taking melatonin) aren't working anymore. It's giving me anxiety and I don't even want to try to sleep if I just toss and turn all night because my legs and arms ache and I wake up exhausted in the morning.

So yeah, that's what's been going on with me, sorry for being off for so long! I should be more available this summer to update, so I'll definitely try to be on more.