Mindscape

3am Thought Dump

Howdy doody friends of mine, I'm just gonna unload my brain onto this convenient outlet for a quick minute! Feel free to not comment on some of the deeper thoughts, I'm going a little nuts right this second and I'd like to keep things quiet for a bit afterward. Here goes!

Alrighty first, god almighty I need to vacuum the floors tomorrow they're a mess and I can't stand all the little bits of dirt and dust sticking to my feet, it is driving me up the walls!

People who arrive early to events freaking suck. I'm not talking like, ten minutes early, I'm talking like an hour before the specified start time. You know those people, the ones that get there before everything is ready just to get there and watch the event-throwers scramble. (I'm looking at you, Aunt Jane)

Speak of the devil and he shall appear. Okay, what kind o inconsiderate, ignorant, disrespectful person, looks inside a freaking urn? Like what the FUCK?!?! My grandmother passed away recently (thanks for any and all condolences, I'm doing okay, still sad but okay) and was cremated according to her wishes. We held her memorial service yesterday at her house, and we set up a lovely little viewing area where people could go and see the urn and pray and stuff. We haven't put my Grammie's ashes in the urn yet, they're still in the little box from the funeral home because my grandpa just isn't ready for it yet. He likes to sleep with the box next to him in the bed. But I digress. Today, my Great Aunt Gloria decides to fucking look inside the urn and is like, "Are y'all trying to trick us or something, there's no ashes in here!" WHAT THE FUCK. Later on I was sitting nearby and she asked me where they were at, and lucky for her I was tired while explaining about my grandpa, because two seconds after that I came up with my angry response where I totally would've called her out on her disrespectful behavior.

And again on that note, I live in the Deep South where most of everyone is Catholic. Im not Catholic. My parents where both raised Catholic but don't practice it. My whole extended family is still Catholic. My grandparents hadn't been practicing Catholics in a long time. Catholics believe in purgatory and all that fun junk, but my immediate family doesn't. All during the memorial service people kept saying shit like "I hope she's in heaven" and reading stuff about Jesus rising, which made zero sense in this situation, and it pissed me and my immediate family off. You're telling me that this amazing, kind, caring, God-fearing woman isn't gonna end up in heaven because she got fucking cremated??? I don't think so assholes! And then, of course, Great Aunt Jane tells my mom that they absolutely cannot eventually spread my grandma's remains somewhere as per her wishes because it's "bad luck." I don't give a damn about luck, we're doing what she wanted with what's left of her!

*sigh*

The whole back of the house is a mess. After we decorated everything yesterday morning, everything ended up getting thrown in the room that held my and my parent's suitcases. There's crap everywhere, and I couldn't get my dad off the couch where I was supposed to sleep so I cleared the bed and that's where I'm at now. I can barely even walk around in here. And I can't find my iron pills. It's the first time I've had to skip them and I'm a little freaking out about it. I can't sleep either. It's too late to take melatonin, and I doubt it would work anyway since everyone who's not already asleep is outside celebrating my grandma's life with karaoke and I can hear them.

I'm freaking tired man. Like, I can't sleep at night without taking something. My body's tired so I'll lay down, but my brain won't shut up. And mom said I have restless leg syndrome so I twitch and kick and my arms hurt all night. I can't get comfortable, so when I do sleep, every time I move around I wake myself up. I move around most of the night. And now I'm having heartburn but I can't tell if it's anxiety heartburn or something I ate heartburn.

My anxiety has been halfway through the roof all day. There were so many people that I could barely move around in the house or outside, and I didn't have any opportunities to hide away for a bit and calm down. I'm so emotionally drained right now like fuck.

On the plus side, my bro got to come to the service. And I got to cuddle with my sweet little godcousin.

I'm going to learn how to crochet, and maybe also knit, and we're gonna see how that goes. I have a friend who crochets and she likes it, and I've been meaning to try for a while, so now seems to be as good a time as any. I'm probably gonna try a scarf or something first. I need more hobbies.

Ugh it's 4am. I need to at least attempt sleep. Good Morning lovely people! ✌️