Mindscape

Safety pt. 2, and other things

Hey, this is about to get messy.

So in my last post, I basically started with "this field might kill me" and ended with "I'm getting through it." I was right about one thing and very wrong about the other.

I guess I should start at what's the closest to being the beginning. About three weeks ago, I came to a realization. I had just gotten off the phone with my mom, don't even remember what we talked about, and was trying to get back to work on a safety module that I had already cried about the day before. I had the sudden thought that if something happened at whatever job I got in the future and someone died as a result, I would most likely blame myself to the point that I would commit suicide. That thought scared me into a panic attack and I went into the bathroom where my roommate wouldn't hear me and I sobbed on the floor for twenty minutes. I tired myself out so much that I almost went to sleep right there on the floor.

With this thought came the long-avoided acceptance that I am not okay. I'm not healthy, neither mentally nor physically, at least not enough to be in a field where people's lives are at stake.

I have some outstanding health issues. Physically, something is very wrong. I couldn't tell you what though, there hasn't been any progress in terms of a diagnosis, I've been trying different doctors and trying to get an appointment with a specialist but nothing has happened yet. There's this constant pervasive feeling of wrongness, and I can't remember what it feels like to not feel bad. This has been going on for as long as I can remember. I have so many symptoms that fit a number of things but I keep getting told not to worry about it like it's perfectly fine that I feel like death would be a respite.

And my mental health hasn't been good for the past, eleven years now? I'm mad depressed, my anxiety attacks are more severe and lasting longer (though I have gotten better at handling/putting off smaller attacks, they end up building into a bigger attack that can knock me out of whack for days), and the stress of school and the physical health issues make everything worse. I keep having breakthroughs about why my head's a mess but knowing why doesn't seem to help. I know why I hate myself, I know why I feel invalidated, I know every event and happenstance that lead to me feeling the way I do but I can't figure out how to make it stop. My rational brain and my dumb, depression/anxiety brain are warring against each other and I can't take it anymore. I've been seeing a counselor for the past few years (not including last fall because I was stupid busy with school) and it has kind of helped, like I feel better talking to someone consistently than I feel not talking to someone. I'm not going to be in school with a convenient free counseling service forever, so I'm trying to get set up with a psychiatrist in my area but it hasn't happened yet.

Since the realization a few weeks ago, I've talked to my school counselor, my Safety instructor, and my parents, all nerve-wracking conversations that started in panic and left me in tears and now I'm no longer going to be in the field of Safety, at least not while my head is all screwed up. I still have at least one semester to go before I can graduate because I have to take the capstone course to finish my General Studies degree, but I'm hoping to get another minor before I go that would probably take at least two semesters. I'm still relatively nerve-wracked by everything, but I think the worst of it is over. I still am in these two Safety courses that I need to get through, but that is turning out to be much harder than anticipated. I can barely even think about it without wanting to cry, and at this point, I can't even bring myself to care if I fail. It would wreck my GPA most likely, and my parents are telling me this and trying to get me to work and I'm honestly trying but I just can't. I can't even think right now, and it's not just affecting these two classes but also my other two history classes. It's getting so hard to concentrate even to study for tests, which is usually the easiest thing for me. And I can't drop the courses either because the drop already passed and I have to have a pretty outstanding reason to get a late drop that also includes documentation saying that my reason is valid, and then it's not a guaranteed drop because it has to be approved. I can't even get a doctor to call me back to schedule an appointment, let alone give me documented proof that I can't be in these classes anymore. I don't know what to do but I can't keep up anymore.

Also in other news, I caught hand, foot and mouth disease from my goddaughter. For those that don't know, it's a viral disease that lasts between one and two weeks where you get sores on your hands, feet, and mouth (both inside and out for me). It's really contagious so I've been quarantined until it goes away. There's no cure and no real treatment aside from over-the-counter pain meds and itch creams. I've figured out that though I can handle pain (that's my constant state of being at this point, I can ignore it no problem), itching is the bane of my existence. I cannot ignore an itch to save my life. So though this temporary illness has made me both itch and hurt at times, it is far better to ignore the pain in favor of not itching so much, because if I treat the pain the itching becomes far worse and I've tried four different kinds of topical itch creams and none of them worked for me so I'd rather hurt than itch. Here's a pic of my hands from a few days ago. I look like a red-spotted Dalmatian dog.