Remember// C.H

11) Letters To Calum

~Brooklyn

Dear Calum,

I don't know what gave me the courage to write this letter to you.

You probably hate me, I understand.

You should hate me.

I didn't know you, and I mentally judged and hurt you. But now, I guess you can say I am doing the same things to myself.

No, I am not abusing myself. But mentally I guess I am.

I lost you, and didn't realize how much you meant to me.

I guess this is where the saying 'you never appreciate something until it's gone' comes in to play.

We haven't spoken for a month now.

I miss your laugh, and your smile when your being quirky and cute.

I miss your not-so-funny jokes, and how hard you would try to get me to laugh.

I miss the way you would want to know so much about me, and tell me to tell you one small thing about me.

But most of all I miss the way my hand felt in your hand, and the way my body felt against your body.

I miss the way we would climb to the top of the so-called 'mountain' and watch the stars. Even though we did that once I would like to do it again.

How much of a bitch I am to you, you still wanted me.

Wanted me in the ways I can not describe,

I wish I was lying next to you right now, on a silent beach. Wrapped up in blankets listening to weird indie music.

You playing with my hair, and telling me 'everything is going to be all right'

That'd be great right now.

I wish I could hear your voice again, even though it's been a month I can barely remember it.

Why?

Because I've tried to block out anything that relates to you in my mind.

Calum, you are destroying me.

I listened to your music the other day, I liked it. Your song's remind me of us in a way.

How are you?

Probably the same way I am.

Calum, my mind is dark, and I have no light in my soul now that you are gone.

It's not your fault, it's mine.

Sometimes I find myself freaking out thinking that you are going to come back, but you are not.

I pushed you away, and told you to leave. Not knowing how this would play out in the end.

Maybe this could have ended with a happy ending.

You and I together, not caring what anyone thinks about the two of us.

It could of gone that way.

But I made a mistake.

I was the mistake.

I thought you were a bad person Cal, but it was always me.

Always trying not to face my fears.

But my fears were of losing you Calum.

And that is exactly what I did.

I can't stop thinking about when you kissed me. How I want to go back to that day and kiss you until morning.

Yes, I want to kiss you.

And yes, I will mean it.

I want you by my side again telling me everything will be fine.

I want you to want me again.

I want you to trust me again.

I want you to touch me again.

I'm not like the other girls that stood you up, or hurt you Cal.

That's not me.

I guess I pushed you away because I thought I was going to hurt your career, or hurt someone by being with you.

I was right.

I hurt two people. You and I

I shouldn't be talking about how I am feeling, I should be talking about you.

I can only imagine you feeling the way I feel.

How you constantly wonder where you went wrong, and want to talk to me.

But like I always told you.

"Let's be real here," or "it's time to face reality"

That's definitely not the case.

Your probably having the time of your life right now, not giving a fuck about what I think.

You should be.

Please miss me Calum. I'm tired of crying, and you constantly being on my mind.

Please call me,

Please tell me that you miss me too,

Please tell me you crave me the way I crave you.

Please.

Please.

Please.

Again, I am sorry.

But sorry doesn't fix anything,

Hate me all you want Calum. You have the right too.

Hate me

Hate me

Hate me.

Please,

But know this, I fell in love with you, and pushed you away because I was scared.

Scared of loving you.

Sincerely Someone who can't stop thinking about you,

Brooklyn Decker x

I looked at the letter, and thought of how stupid I am. He's not going to read this, it's stupid anyway. I crumpled up the paper and threw it away.

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• I was literally crying writing this chapter, not even kidding. I think this may be my favorite chapter out of the whole book! I hope you enjoyed.

• Again, feedback is greatly appreciated !

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