EXCUSE ME SIR, ITS TOO ILLEGAL TO BE THIS HOT, IM CALLING THE COPS - me at Brandon Larracuente
Request are opeeen. I don't think that's necessary to mention this anymore
Warnings: Sadness? Fluff. Reader is one of the reason, but idk if that counts as a warning. Probably cringe and meaningless. Meh Jeff being just adorable lil bean.
It's basically about the reader and Hannah, Jessica and Alex was close friends but when they left her heart broken and all, but they stayed but later something happened so she became one of the reasons why. After they listened to their tape, they were devastated and mad over themselves, guild, Sadness, etc, and then their bae Jeff Atkins is there for her (Ma husband) overall JEFD ATKINS BEING A PRECIOUS LIL BEAN.
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I just sat there. On my pajamas, wet hair, listening to it. That's right. I was listening to Hannah Baker's tapes. The tapes of why she did it. The reasons, which I've waiting for weeks now.
Y/N. That's right. You're on this tape. You're one of the reasons why.. but I don't want you to feel like a.. I guess, monster. Or guilty. I didn't put you in this tape cause I wanted hate towards you or shade. Or just a revenge of what you did, which I understand. You were the one who stayed in my life. Well.. at least a little bit for a company. Then you left. I understand why you did tho. I just wish that would be the reason that made me want to stay. We were unbreakable. It seemed like just you and me, we would be anything. Even happy between all these shitty things that keeps happening. You're on this tape cause, yes. When you left, you left me all thorn apart. But there is nowhere in hell, this means any hate to you. I just wish you the best. I always did. I want you to know that I understand. I know it's hard. But I want you to keep going, I want you to be strong. Stay strong, friend. Thank you.
Hannah and I were best friends. We were unbreakable. We first met at the lockers at liberty high. I was so lost and felt like a lost puppy. Honestly. But luckily she was on the corridors too and probably saw how lost and confused I was. After she helped me and all type of stuff, we got to know each other. At least that's what we thought... then I got to meet Alex Standall and Jessica Davis. We 4 because to iconic besties. No we weren't that popular at first, but we at least had each other. It felt like what happened was never gonna happen. But it did. Everything got messed up between Hannah, Alex and Jessica. But that didn't mean I wasn't involved in it in any ways as possible either. I had to make a choice. Wether I had to stay with them or her. So I choose her. I felt like I would always choose her. Because between everything that happened. Every shit, every secret, I felt like I would forget every single thing I wanted to forget about, when I was with her.
But only this one thing... I couldn't let anyone know. There was no chance I would risk that. So I kept it. Deep inside. Now you might wonder what that is. It's mixed. It's fucked up. It's a mess that would never be fixed.. at least that's what I thought.
I know, one of the most stupidest things ever. Don't let the past effect you. Look forward type of shit. But I couldn't. All the scars from my childhood was still hunting me. Though I tried, so hard to just ignore what has happened and wouldn't get changed, I couldn't. So I decided to play like I did. That they didn't effect me anymore. That they didn't mean anything, not even 1 little memory. But the truth was still hidden inside. It was still hurting. And it was stuck on me. And every second, it would make me go mad to myself. How stupid and unnecessary I would feel. Oh you pity person. What good are you if you can't even forget the past. If you can't even forget what's not to be remembered of what good are you? And that anger would just be stuck in me. Hate. Anger. Bitterness. Vengeful. But kept it all inside because i don't want to make any more mess. So with time, it seemed like it wasn't such a big deal.
Later on with time, I got the same feeling back. Especially after moving away, because of my dads drinking and seeing my mom so hurt and vengeful as well. Things got a little out of hand. The hate I only felt to myself had gotten worse. Almost like a mental illness that has stuck on me. I would make me hurt myself or others, but I had to take that under control, so instead I would only want to hurt myself. No, not cutting. At least not anymore.. but wanting to punch my fist into the nearest wall. The kind of anger that would make you go blind. The kind of anger that would make it hard to breath before you even can do something. The one where you feel your heart beat faster, start to sweat and feel your hands shacking. Where you can feel the cold heat down your spine. Kind of like a panic attack but no fear. Just anger.
It got worse, and I didn't wanna scare anyone away because I was just so tired of being alone and the loner type. Sure it's sometimes nice but it's also nice to have some company too. I didn't wanted to lose anyone else, so I kept to hide it. I shout my mind and didn't say anything, anything related to what was going through my mind. I had to act, play, talk like I was a different person, all along. I had to show emotions that I didn't feel near compare to mine. But one day enough was enough.
The pain got bigger and bigger, and it got harder to hide my tears. Those who knew me, knew that I hated to show tears to anyone I'm not so close to. So I tried everything to hide it but there was no space inside.. so one day. I couldn't take it anymore... later on I realized that if I wasn't so blind. If I wasn't so selfish and scared. If I wasn't so fooled and controlled over my anger, maybe I wouldn't have lost her...
Flash back
3rd person POV
"I'm just sick and tired of you just thinking everything is fucked up only for you, but oh, perfect for everyone else"
"Y/N i- we are friends.. we're supposed to always be there for each other.. I need you, you need me-"
"You know what princess, that doesn't always happen. You know no one likes noisy sluts that's minding their noses inside others business, just cause their 'friends'. You need to learn how to live life by yourself, you know. No one's gonna be here babysitting you and your problems all the time. Grown the fuck up Hannah..." Y/N said leaving. The one Hannah thought that wouldn't hurt her so easily. But she did. She hurt her. And she really did it. She just stood there, with tears on her eyes, wondering if people's life would be better of without her. How later on she would see her with other people, and not even acting like she was there.
Y/N POV
Guilt.. all I just felt was guilt.. how I just hurt everyone else just cause I was hurt.. and scared... how would I live with myself knowing that I did this to her just because I was a coward... I just felt my eyes burning, and when I blinked, tears would run down my chin, just like a raindrop sliding down. How could I be such a monster?...
My mom was visiting a friend, and sleeping over there too, so I wasn't bothering to go to school next morning cause I didn't sleep. At all. I couldn't see all those people's faces after everything they did. After what I did, to Hannah Baker. My brain was hurting, and everything I felt suddenly went away. Just emptiness and guilt. I just sat there, listening to the birds outside, feeling how dry my eyes was after balling them out. Ignoring every text. Every call. I just laid there. I am one of the reasons why... I killed Hannah Baker...
You were getting lost into darkness again, feeling like crying yet again, but immediately got back to reality when you heard someone knock on your window.
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HOORRY SHITUU. This wasn't supposed to be this long but oh well. I'm supposed to be asleep but ya know what, I gave up school life anyways, who cares xD jk jk. I'm writing more tomorrow. My brain is too tired of working so hopefully you guys can understand the whole thing I just wrote xD gnight tho folks
