Hashtag Balahura

A Note to Self Seven Years Ago

I don't know how on earth did I stumble into an old note which I wrote on Facebook seven years ago. After reading it, coz I got super curious as to how a teenager at that age would write something about being brokenhearted, I realized that this is worth a share. 

Yes it is worth sharing. Kasi nga naalala ko 'yong mga panahong immature pa ako mag-isip, sensitive, vulnerable and rebel. So here is a note I wrote to myself when I was a teenager. 

"This is For the Brokenhearted

I know how you feel. Empty, betrayed, and no happiness whatsoever. 

You don't want to laugh, because you know it's not going to help, but you don't want to cry, because it will just make you feel worse. You feel like your heart is falling apart, but not only that, you know soon your life is going to feel like it's falling apart too. 

You don't think it will ever end, and no matter what this person has done to you, it feels impossible to stop loving them. And everyone wonders why if they have hurt you so much, then why do you still love them. That's the confusing part, you don't know why, you just do, and the people who hurt you the most, and normally the ones you love the most. And then, after a few weeks, you finally feel a sense of relief, like you're getting happy again, but you know inside that you're just going into denial. And after a few more weeks, you're back to where you were an empty soul and teary eyes. 

You thought you got over them, but really, you just stopped showing it. And you can't help but to show it again. It leaves deep scars on your heart that are there forever. And no one understands how you feel, and how deep you are hurt, no matter who they are, because it hasn't happened to them and even if it has, every broken heart is different. They don't know the true pain you feel and carry each and everyday now, so you learn that basically you are alone with all this. And the feeling starts to overwhelm you, and suddenly you just break down, right there, because you know you've had enough, the tears just instantly start flowing, and you're to the point where you don't care who see's. Because you've spent so many nights lying awake in bed, and so many days being haunted by the scars and fear of rejection. And in the midst of all these tears, you know that its not helping any, and it's not going to bring them back, if you ever even had them in the first place. 

After about a million tears have been cried, you finally pull yourself back together and keep going. Your throat starts to clench and your eyes burn with the tears you are trying to hold back. Everyone says, "It will be okay..." But you know it won't. And that's the truth, it won't. And you look back on all of the hurt you had from this, and you realize that people are horrible. You're still hurt, but you've learned to hide it so that everyone thinks you are okay. 

So now every time you see this person, you know you still love them, and you feel a slight tingle in your heart yearning for them to love you, screaming out, but for some reason they don't hear it. And then you sit back and wonder how one person could have caused all of this..."

Natatawa lang ako sa comma splice and all sort of syntax errors pero habang sinusubukan kong kalkalin kung saan nanggagaling ang pagpapabebe kong ito noong seven years ago, naalala kong ito pala 'yong mga panahong halos  magsuicide na ako dahil sa sobrang depression. 

Yes, I got depressed at that moment dahil bigla na lang, sa isang bagsakan dumating ang mga problemang parang hindi angkop sa isang teenager. Depression is a part of us. I lost my mom at an early age so I had to stand like a strong sibling to my brothers because my older brothers are away. My grades were failing and I might not graduate with honors. Wala akong pangtuition. Maraming bayarin sa bahay. Lahat. 

You thought that the note was because of some sort of a love story that didn't end up well? Well I thought too. Pero naalala ko parang wala naman akong lovelife nang mga panahon na 'yan. 

Now, habang nagbabalik tanaw ako sa mga nangyari, hindi ko alam kung paano ako nakarating sa kinaroroonan ko ngayon. I was thinking it might have been a sudden leap from all those pains but it wasn't. I bled to death just to survive. I cried a river to surpass it. I broke all my bones to live and be who I am today. 

I just thought that this is worth sharing because a lot of people nowadays are fighting the same battle as I did, even worse, and quitting is never an option to end the pain. It is hard. Life is hard. It is a piece of shit that you have to carry all the time. 

How do we bear it? 

We deal with it. We live with it. We accept it as our flaw. 

We live. We fight!

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