New Dawn

Farley

I wake to find Clara sitting in my bed, clapping her hands. I smile and pull her small body into my arms, tickling her gently. Then I begin to process what's happening around me. How did she get here? My mind screams.

I look across the room at her small bed. It is high up with even higher bars on the side. No way she'd climbed. I look at the giggling, dark haired baby in my arms. She smiled and claps her hands again. I pull her close to me.

She jumped. Like her father, she jumped right into my arms. I feel tears well up in my eyes.

"Come on sweetness, we have to go find Sara." I say to her, lifting her from bed "let's get dressed!"

I smile at her, wiping my still leaking eyes. I dress her in a small green onesie and black pants. I set her down on the bed, not taking my eyes from her as I get dressed.

How will I control it? Is the only thing I can think. Not it, Diana. Her. She's your baby. I chastise myself. She is my baby. Half of me, though she barely seems it. She seems to be wholly the man I love. Having gotten nothing but a second X Chromosome from me.

After I finish dressing I lift her into my arms and kiss her soft head. Then we head out of our room, toward the hall where Sara will be, by Julian's bedside of course. I cannot help but think of Shade  when I see them. How I wish I had been able to be with him when he died. How maybe if he hadn't jumped me first it wouldn't have happened. Guilt eats me alive. Every night I think, and I wonder. What would be different if he had lived. And every day I torture myself, refusing to imagine anything but happy ideals.

I am torn from my thoughts when Clara disappears from my arms. I let out an involuntary scream, scanning the hall for her. Finally I see her a few feet away, giggling. I scoop her up quickly.

"Naughty girl" I chastise "don't do that."

She looks up at me, her brown eyes widening, confused, I think. She looks pleading, like an innocent little kitten. But I won't let her draw me into a trap. She has to know she can't just zip around.

I run the rest of the way to Sara's room. Keeping a fire grasp, skin to skin on baby Clara so that should she try and travel, she'll at least take me with her. I arrive to see Sara sitting, tired and ragged looking in a chair next to Julian's bed. He sleeps quietly next to her.

"I need your help" I say. "It's starting."

Then woman nods, knowingly.

"Travelers were pretty uncommon in the high houses" she said "but, we have something that can help. Keep her around until she's old enough to start training. It is a variation of silent stone though, Diana."

I cringe at the use of my first name.

"I understand." I say. Anything to make sure I don't loose what's most precious to me.

She nods, taking Clara gently from my arms.

"I'll take care of it." She says kindly. I move to follow her out but she holds up a hand. "Stay here and watch him, I can handle her. I promise she'll be safe."

I nod reluctantly, and move to sit in her chair, watching as she and Clara leave down the hall.

I am suddenly reminded how frail Julian is. In the midst of be chaotic morning I had forgotten why we were here.