Secrets | Jenzie

- 25 - | Voices + Appointments

- M A C K E N Z I E -

"Kids! The dinners ready!" Mum and Mer both shout at once. We all run downstairs ready to eat except John. We all sit down, a seat was left next to me. Johnny walked down the stairs into the dining room, we made eye contact when we realised that the only spare seat was next to me. He comes and sits down, next to me, looking weary.

"Uh is it okay if I sit here? I can swap with Lauren or Maddie if you like?" He asks.

"No um I'll be fine." I say it coming out as a whisper. We all start eating except from me. I mess with my food moving it around my plate with my fork. Disgusted at the sight of it. Not because of the cooking. Mum and Mer's cooking is simply the best. No doubt about it. It was because over the past days I've developed an anorexia too. Yeah I know. I throw up anything I eat, when I eat. As I carried on messing with my food the voices started again.
'You're so fat'
'You shouldn't eat anymore'
'You've already eaten enough'
'Dad and Dale, would be so disappointed in you, you're a failure'
And that one made me argue back.
"Then wouldn't be disappointed in me, I'm fine, They love me, you don't know anything." I scream out loud in frustration, on the verge of tears. Everyone's eyes landed on me.

"What's wrong, honey?" My mum asks looking concerned.

"They told me Dad and Dale would be disappointed in me." I silently whimper.

"Who did, darling?" Mer asks.

"The voices." I say, through sobs.

"Voices?" John says anxiously, Maddie, Darian and Lauren look like they could cry.

"Yeah, the ones in my head." I say in a whisper, they only just about heard.

"Sweetie, I'll book you an appointment, for as soon as possible at the hospital." My mum says frantically running to the phone. She calls them.

"12:15 on Wednesday." She says to me.

"Okay, mum." I whisper and excuse myself to my room. A few minutes later I hear a knock on my door. I shuffle over to the door and let John in. He sits on the end of the bed as I sit at the top.

"Hey Kz, sorry for asking but what do these voices say?" He asks.

"Well, um."

"You don't have to answer if you're not comfortable Kenz." Johnny says.

"Well, um, they say stuff like, 'you're an idiot for being scared of John' , 'He's gonna hate you if he finds out' , 'You're really upsetting him, you know' , 'You're a bitch for doing this to John' , 'You don't deserve him' , 'He deserves better than you' , 'I don't understand why Johnny likes you' , 'Well liked you, he won't anymore' , 'You lost the love of you life, you slut' , 'You're so fucking stupid' , 'You're so fat' , 'You've already eaten enough' and when I cry they stay stuff like 'you're pathetic' and 'get a grip' and since the accident I've become anorexic that's why I wasn't eating my food earlier and anything in do eat, I throw back up and that's why earlier I shouted because they said 'Dad and Dale would be so disappointed in you, you're a failure'." I say explaining everything. Johnny pulls me into a hug on instinct. Then I flinch. I'm so stupid. He pulls away.

"Sorry." He says, wincing.

"It's alright, just shut up and hug me." I say, getting slightly more confident. He pulled me into his lap and I snuggled into his chest.