aggression | luke hemmings

Chapter Forty Three

Caution: Violent moments in this chapter, very very violent (at least in my eyes, it is...) Just a warning!

Becca's POV

I open the door to see Ben's girlfriend holding Pete, who is once again asleep.

"Thank you," I say, a smile covering my mixed emotions right now.

"No problem, and congrats!" She waves, walking back to her car. I walk back inside and bring Pete upstairs with me. Luke smiles when he sees him, and I sit next to Luke with Pete cradled in my arms.

Luke smiles down at Pete, and he suddenly opens his eyes. He grins at me, not noticing Luke yet. I shift Pete so that he is sitting up, still in my lap though. He looks at Luke, grinning wider. Luke sighs and leans against the headboard.

Pete's eyes get heavy soon, so I carry him down to his crib. He doesn't lay down, instead stares at me with pleading eyes. I shake my head, because once again; he has to learn to go to sleep when he is tired. His eyes glaze over, and he starts wailing.

He smiles when I pick him up, but his eyes don't dry up. I sit down on the rocking chair and hold him, so that his head is on my shoulder and he is basically sitting on my arm.

I whisper things to him, although he cannot hear a thing. Maybe that's why he cries so much, because he feels left out. Because he cannot hear me and Luke tell him how much we love him, because he cannot hear the beautiful melody of music, because he cannot hear anyone's conversations, because he's deaf. Maybe he feels lonely, because Luke and I leave so often and leave him with a babysitter. Now I feel bad, for leaving my own deaf son so much that he cries non-stop. I am an awful mom. Luke is just the best dad a child could ask for, but here I am in the shadows, trying desperately to lull Peter to sleep. I am an awful mother, that's it. If Luke came down here right now, Pete would do whatever he wanted him to do.

My eyes water up from all the hatred I offer myself. I hear a light snore from Pete so I kiss his forehead and lay him back in the crib, but I crouch down in a corner and cry my eyes out.

Ten minutes of sobbing later, a tall figure shows up at the door. Great.

"Becca," Luke whispers, kneeling down in front of me and tilting my chin up. I look into his eyes and see confusion, sorrow, even guilt. "What happened?"

It takes a lot of courage to say this, but, "I am a terrible mother," I say. "I bet Pete doesn't love me, he just loves you and hates me. I bet he hates me because I made him deaf, so he can't hear anything, so his life is hard. I hate myself," I add the last part silently, hoping Luke will ignore it, but it's the complete and honest truth.

"Becca, I married you for a reason. I took that bullet for a reason. Pete loves you just as much as me, you made no mistake. His life will be hard but it's nothing to hate yourself about, because we'll be the ones to make it easier for him. I love you, Becca, and you shouldn't hate yourself. In fact, there isn't a single bad thing about you," Luke says. "I love you so much." I let out another sob. The sad thing is, I don't believe a word he said. "Please, baby, stop crying. Why do you hate yourself?"

"I j-just explained why," I say. "I..."

"You what?"

"I don't feel like any of what you said is true. I am a weak bitch who wants to be loved, who can't help anyone or anything, and I don't deserve you... I just. I can't take it all," I cry.

"What are you saying?" Luke asks, his voice shaky and tears in the corners of his eyes now. I stay silent but look down, crying even harder. "No, please," Luke says. I stand up before he can stop me, and run outside.