Emma's POV
I woke up the morning, or afternoon, I should say, in pain. Maybe it was because I had worked out with Olivia yesterday morning, or I pulled something readjusting my mattress. But I had a sinking feeling it was because of what I had said to Ethan the other day.
Had I said the wrong thing? Would he still come over and hug me at night? Did I still want him to come over and hug me at night anymore?
I couldn't lie to myself, as much as I wanted to. I had been feeling different around Ethan in the last two weeks, but I didn't dare act on my feelings. It was not the time nor place for that. I chalked up his late night visits to just late night visits that got...carried away. We hadn't kissed, or slept together or anything. I was just adjusting to my new life, and I needed someone to help me. Maybe that was my mistake; really truly letting Ethan in.
I never really let my whole self show to many people. That number had definitely increased since my subscriber count grew. Funny how that works. I would have thought the more popular I got the more I would close myself off, but I find myself needing more people to hold me up. Constantly.
Back in San Francisco, I would tell my parents about all of my frustrations with not only YouTube but everything else a teen girl struggles with. I never thought I'd consider telling my dad about my boy problems. I shuddered involuntarily.
I didn't know how to handle my problem with Ethan. Usually, if I had something weighing me down, I told Ethan about it around 11 PM over the lemon tea he always made me. I didn't even like tea, but I'd drink it simply because I appreciated it.
I couldn't just tell Grayson or James about my Ethan problem. That would make everything worse. They had no idea about our...arrangement. Maybe Grayson did, but I wouldn't bet on Grayson to question it with Ethan.
I rubbed my eyes.
Swinging my legs over the side of my bed, I decided the only way to keep him out of my head was to stay busy. Something Hannah always said was 'I like being busy because it leaves no time to be sad'. She had it figured out. I promptly called Olivia, praying she would pick up. I glanced at the clock, 11 AM.
"Hey! What's up?" Olivia's chirped.
"You wanna go to the gym, like now? And lunch after? I need something to do." I told her.
"I was leaving just going to my apartment's gym, join me?" she asked.
"Be there in ten," I promised, throwing on the same shorts I'd worn to run in the day before. Clawing for my phone and keys, I bolted out the door. My stomach grumbled in response. I hadn't eaten since that cup at pressed. I arrived at Olivia's apartment and punched in the passcode, finding her running in the far corner. Looks like we had the gym to ourselves.
"What's up, bitch?!" I called to her, causing her to turn around and wave. "Tired yet?"
"Yes," she huffed, trying to catch her breath. I climbed onto the treadmill next to her and began to run, ignoring the aching in my legs and heart.
An hour and a half later, we had showered at Olivia's place and I was wearing her shorts and a long sleeve. She drove us to Urth.
"Long night?" she asked, noticing me leaning my head against the window, eyes closed.
"You have no idea," I mumbled.
"Enlighten me." Olivia teased. And I considered it. Telling her everything. But if I couldn't tell my own mom I sure as hell couldn't tell Olivia.
"Just editing all night. I still have some final cuts left." I lied. I hadn't even started my 'vegetarian tries meat for the first time' video. I needed to do that.
So with that thought in mind, I ate my salad and drank my boba, and waved to Olivia as she drove away from my apartment. Not stopping to think, I changed into sweats, piling Olivia's outfit on my dresser, mentally noting to return it to her tomorrow, and pulled out my computer.
I sat in one position, on my couch, editing and editing until my wrists cramped. I watched Ethan's movements in the video as closely as I watched my own. We both looked so happy. And at that time, we were. We looked so...together.
No, Emma. I told myself. You can't do that. Not the time, nor place.
Not the time, nor place.
Not the time, nor place.
NOT the time, nor place.
No, no, no, no, no, my brain chanted, as I began to cry.
Staying busy leaves no time to be sad.
Staying busy leaves no time to be sad, my brain recited as I reached for my phone.
Stop, STOP! My brain screamed as I clicked on the picture of Ethan I had taken in Vegas.
It rang twice. "Ethan..." I whispered pathetically.
"I'm coming over." he said quickly, "Hang on."
I hung up and let the waves of sadness wash over me.
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