[You Have No Idea]

1

My head was heavy, my eyes were burning, begging me to let them rest.

I was alone in the first row, the teachers luckily left me alone that way. Today I couldn't listen anymore, I hadn't slept tonight. And barely the night before. Some people can handle that pretty good, when they stay up the whole weekend to party. But not me. I need sleep, more than anything. It's the only escape from reality.

I recognize movement around me, the class must have ended. The murmur around me grows to downright noice. People are talking loud and in such a chaos, I lose my orientation for a moment. I force myself up and make my way out of the room.

My school is harsh, when you're walking through the corridors on your own, you're fucked. No one will make space for you, you'll get pushed and dragged until you end up squished in a door frame or on the floor.
My hands and knees hurt, when I landed, where I predicted I would. The floor.
I got some unintentional kicks, some intentional ones and decide to just stay here. If I'd try to get up, somebody in these crowded halls will take a second out of their precious time just to push me back down. That's how I was treated on most days.

My head was getting heavier and heavier, until I found that this place couldn't be that bad for a nap.. When the bells rings again, everyone will hurry inside their classroomes. Noone will kick me, or push me or even throw their unfinished lunch at me...
If I could just close my eyes for a second..
...

Before I knew it, I was dozing off, exhausted and in pain. My body tried to take up the tiniest bit of room possible.
And it was kinda great, until ..

I felt someone carefully touching my shoulder. A warm hand brushed some hair out of my face.

"Hey.."

Her voice was extremely soft and strangely familiar..
I recognized it before I was even aware of my situation again. I didn't know who it belonged to, but I recognized it.

"Hey, are you alright?"

I forced my eyes open and stopped breathing.

It was her.

My heart sank and got drenched in absolut panic. HOW IN THE WORLD WAS SHE HERE?!
I finally could move again and sat up, crawling away hastily.

"Katie, calm down.."

The way she says my name still gives me goosebumps. I try to bring more distance between us, but she follows me with a worried expression.
I stumble and try to fall in a run, but I'm weak and have to use the walls as support.

"Please don't run away. I want to help.."

I couldn't take it, I can't listen to her, it's breaking me all over again.

"KATHERINE JOHANSSON GET YOUR ASS INTO MY CLASSROOM, RIGHT NOW!"

The voice of the strictest teacher in the whole wide world was crashing through the halls. He was our principal as well, but still likes to terrorize children, like me.

"Yes sir."

I hurry inside. They're all staring at me, like they see me for the first time. I hadn't been far from his class, when I fled and I didn't look back.
I was still terrified.
I can't look at her, I can't listen to her and she fucking touched me..
My head was spinning and the adrenaline kept me awake for quite a while into the lesson.

Luckily Mr Adams, the teacher, did not give me detention or even a scolding for being too late.

And so I ended up dozing off again. This time, I did not hear the others leave.
I woke up, when it was silent for too long. Hushed voices were discussing something close. But my school day wasn't over..
I thought about how to get myself out of the situation, clearly something really weird was going on.. but before I could decide, they had decided..

Two people came to stand next to me, a warm hand was placed on my arm..

"Katie.. wake up. "

My stomach clenched, it was her again.
I opened my eyes, pulled my arm away from her and stared at my desk.

"Mrs Snow will bring you to the nurse, Katherine. You're clearly not well, get some rest please and come back tomorrow. "

I never heard Adams speak so friendly.
I managed a short nod and he immediately left the room. Panic swept over me again, my hands started shaking and my lungs were aching.
She grabbed my back pack and I could feel her smile.

"Let's go.."

Very slowly I got up and followed her to the door, expecting to faint any moment. But we made it to the nurses office and they gave me a bed to rest.

I knew which part came next and it frightened me almost as much as Mrs Snow did.

The nurse had examined me quickly before, it was obvious that I needed rest. But now she had to call my mother. Someone to bring me home, but I knew no one was going to answer. Offering to walk home alone was not going to be accepted, so I sat and waited.
Trying not to completely fall apart under Snows attentive look. I couldn't stop shaking.

She was the one that made me, who I am today. She was the first one to leave me and the first one, that I truly loved.

I have always had trouble. When I was really young, I saw so many people around me in pain and I wished for that pain to be divided equally. I wished that pain for myself, so others wouldn't have to carry it. And pain is what I got.