Trapped (egobang trans)

Chapter 41 - Ashamed

< Arin's POV >

A whirlpool of crimson paper swirled in front of Arin's eyes, the red colour leaking into the water. With the flick of a handle the evidence was whisked away, the water returning to its usual clear colour. She sighed, staring blankly into the bowl of the toilet for a moment longer before reaching for more toilet paper to replace the previous batch. Her sleeves were rolled up to her elbows, the still weeping cuts open to the elements. She didn't look at them, too ashamed as she started the rhythmic process of bandaging them all with paper.

It was the first time she'd done it. She didn't really know why she'd done it in the first place. Maybe it was seeing Danny so happy, so accepted while she was still alone with her secret. Maybe it was the look Ross gave her that morning. Maybe it was neither of those. Maybe she was just weird, messed up beyond repair as always.

But there was no going back on it now.

All she could do was make sure no one found out so they could heal and she could forget it ever happened. It had felt good for a second, to be distracted from her unhappy thoughts. Then the searing pain had set in and she'd almost screamed aloud, regretting it instantly. You'd think she'd have stopped then, but here she was patching up multiple cuts.

She'd heard these types of cuts referred to as "battle wounds" before: the marks left by one's battle with mental health. They were meant to be brave, a sentiment to the fact that the person had managed to pull through despite reaching that low of a point. But Arin just felt disgusting.

As she painfully dragged her sleeves over the makeshift bandages she felt her eyes begin to drip with tears, and hastily wiped them away. She left the bathroom ashamed of herself, trying not to look at the male bathroom sign which she knew would just make her feel worse.

Walking outside Arin felt the heat of the sun on her face. She managed to give the shadow of a smile as it distracted her from the pain in her arms. Danny had detention, so Arin had the realisation that she could do what she wanted this break. Sitting outside drawing in her sketchbook sounded nice. She hadn't got to do that in a while, not with all of Danny's friends around. Sure, she liked them, but Arin was an introvert at heart and liked her alone time.

The decision made, Arin walked over to where she remembered that tree was - the one that at one point she had sat under most days. Then Danny had happened, and she'd started joining him in the cafeteria. She'd missed her tree.

Arin took out her sketchbook and opened to a new page. Her go-to was people, when she just doodled. She'd tried to get into still life because of Suzy, but that didn't last; she couldn't get the hang of realism. Naturally as she started drawing now the familiar shape of a person appeared. As always she didn't really think about what she was drawing, watching like an outsider as her hand conjured up the character.

A rounded face, vaguely heart shaped and tilted to the side in a cute gesture. A feminine frame, narrow shoulders and dainty arms, one raised to the side of her face, tucking hair that hadn't been drawn yet behind her ear. She wasn't thin, but she wasn't overweight by any means either. Her thighs were a reasonable size, her hips wide. Her whole body was curvy, and her pose suggested confidence in her body, the way her other arm was free, not tucked into a pocket or behind her back.

Arin moved onto clothes now. She wore a t-shirt, though it was manufactured in a way that allowed one of the arms to slip over the shoulder. A sexy, very girly gesture, Arin observed. She wore jeans, tight fitting that showed off her curves that she obviously wasn't ashamed to have. Her choice of shoes was also extremely confident: open toed heels. Not like stilettos, those were impossible to walk in, but a generous heel that made her a little taller.

Now the face. She was smiling, obviously. Her eyes were wide, happy and content. She wore eyeliner, mascara too, and as Arin watched her mouth appear she imagined there would be lipstick. She didn't look like she'd suit a harsh red, maybe just a gentle pink.

Finally, hair. A ponytail, apparently, though there was a free strand that she was tucking behind her ear. The ponytail was high, the hair pulled tight and spread out on the other side to give it more volume. Arin smiled, it was a pretty hairstyle. She thought she was done, but her hand had other ideas. The hair became lightly shaded, but for a single streak left white. It was a dyed streak, Arin realised.

This girl was her. Or at least, an image of what she wanted to be.

She looked at her confident pose and instantly felt self conscious, the complete opposite of what this drawing depicted. Her hair was much longer, but in reality Arin's hair refused to grow beyond her shoulders. And her arms... They were bare, revealed by a lack of sweater and cut free. That coming to mind Arin felt another stab of pain in her own. She checked the time. If she wanted to get to third period on time she had to go to the bathroom now and change the paper. If she didn't, it might leak through and into her sweater. Then everyone would know what she'd done.

Hurriedly Arin packed her things away, throwing her bag onto her back despite how much it hurt. She walked back inside, mind set on the bathroom and nothing else. That is, until she spotted Danny. He was probably let out of detention to go to his next class, but he clearly wasn't thinking about that. He was looking around, searching for something. Searching for Arin. He looked worried.

Don't worry about me.

Arin tried to get out of his line of sight, but at the last second he seemed to see her. She picked up speed as she saw him start to come towards her. If she could just get to the bathroom, maybe he'd leave and go to class without her.

"Arin!" she heard him call.

The bathroom was in sight. The stupid male sign, but she didn't care right now. She couldn't let anyone find out.

So close. But Danny's long legs gave him an advantage and Arin felt his hand on her arm, dangerously close to the cuts. She cried out in fear, spinning around and practically slapping his hand away. They both stopped in their tracks, facing each other now.

"Arin...? Are you-"

Don't ask if I'm okay. Don't worry about me, I'm fine.

"I'm just going to the bathroom."

"Again? Arin, I'm worried about you, buddy."

"I'm not worth worrying about, Danny. Just go to class, I'm fine, I promise."

She smiled at him, willing him to believe her. Deep down she knew he wouldn't, but it was all she had left. A sadness glinted in Danny's eyes, he didn't say anything. Arin took the chance to turn around, to try again to get away. She thought Danny would let her go. But then.

The pressure of a desperate hand closed around her forearm. Around the cuts. Electric pain shot up her arm and she screamed without thinking. Danny recoiled, obviously, and Arin clutched at her arm, trying to relieve the pain in some way. She rushed into the bathroom finally, not looking at Danny again and not noticing the piece of toilet paper that fell out of her sleeve and onto the floor.